Splitsider

Monday, February 11th, 2013

How Our Town Is Dealing With the Water Shortage, by David Guzman

Thank you all for coming out today. As you know, since the summer we've faced a serious drought and it's not letting up. As the mayor of Avery, Texas, I'm announcing some tougher measures to conserve water in the area, so please take note.

To start, we're canceling our summer ice sculpture festival. Turns out that doing ice sculptures in West Texas uses up an extreme amount of water. We'll be asking a number of you to discontinue your 24-hour front lawn Slip 'N Slides. And don't just move them to the backyard. Let's see, what else… until further notice, we're closing the town's mile long car wash. Don’t worry, though, I checked with the people at Guinness, and they say we will not lose the record for world's longest car wash. We still hold that by about 5,000 feet.

We are closing access to Lake Paley. The water levels are too low for boating and jet skiing. Now, we noticed a lot of you trying to help by running your hoses to the lake to try to fill it up more. But you see, with that, the water you're adding just further seeps into the ground or evaporates and it just adds to the drought. In short, you can't fill up a lake with a hose.

On a related note, please no night-swimming in the town reservoir. It used to be a fun, teenage rite of passage, but it's empty now, which is hard to tell at night. You can ask Avery High School's star quarterback, who is just beginning his long road to one day walking again.

And it's not just water activities that have to go. The Monday night mud parties will be put on hiatus, as will other mud events, like mud wrestling, mud baths, and our summer mud sculpture festival.

As for public services, the library's going to have to stop hosing down their books. I don't even know why they do that. The public cat showers will be closed. People, cats can clean themselves! The fire department can no longer be called to refill waterbeds. That one’s a sacrifice for me, too. Oh yes, and the police will no longer carry water guns in addition to their regular guns. I realize that that was a fun, neat quirk of our town, but it'll have to go, and frankly, there's been one too many accidents with that. It's for the best.

Also, the people of this town have adopted some habits that just need to change. Like the five-flush rule. Somehow the idea started that you could flush five times after going to the bathroom and this could take the place of washing your hands. Turns out not only does that use a lot more water than handwashing, but it's not sound science.

Now, it's been suggested to me that perhaps I should remind people what water is, in the event that this town has been wasting water inadvertently. This here, what I am holding, is a glass of water. It is probably the only clear liquid you use. If you're not sure if it's water, just play it safe and don't overuse it.

And too, water conservation applies to all water. Not just sink water, or restaurant water, or waterbed water. All kinds of water.

Thank you for your attention to this issue. And now, without further ado, I present to you the town's brand new World War II memorial, complete with 100 ft. water slide and lazy river.

David Guzman writes sketch comedy and performs improv in New York City. Get at him via Twitter and Tumblr.

The Humor Section features a piece of original humor writing each week. To submit, send an email to Brian Boone.

  • impersonalsadmin

    " the five-flush rule" – at 10 am in the office men rooms, it's a necessity