Splitsider

Tuesday, February 26th, 2013

Tweetin

Today's Best Tweets by Comedians

by WitStream | February 26th, 2013

Nell Scovell

Catchy! Pope Benedict's new title after retirement will be "Priscilla, Queen of the Vatican."
Damien Fahey

If you've had your name called over the PA system at a grocery store, you're now famous enough to compete on Dancing with the Stars.
Sid Karger

Andy Dick will compete in the new season of Dancing With The Stars. His signature move will be the 12-Step.
Andrew Hibbard

The internet works better when you can remember that thing you meant to look up.
Sarah Beattie

married guys who use twitter to complain about their shitty wives are eventually going to get busted dad
Blake Leeman

Thoughts: If everyone's mouths & genitals switched places, A) It might take a while to get used to. B) 69'ing would still be pretty similar.
Morgan Murphy

anything you can do I can do bitter.
Anthony DeVito

I wonder if there are acting coaches who specialize in teaching TV chefs to cross their arms while looking at the camera like they're tough.
Bryan Donaldson

I’m in Florida in February. The average age of everyone else staying in this hotel is dead.
Michelle Wolf

"Oh I was kidding; that seems unsanitary." - reaction of the guy who originally pitched the idea of a food truck.
Louis Peitzman

My phone keeps changing "days" to "farts." It's just one of those farts.
Ritch Duncan

Today, in their spiral notebooks, dozens of Cardinals are dreamily practicing their "pope names" in a girlish, bubbly cursive.
Jacy Catlin

My chess strategy is to stand up and kick all the little men into my opponent's open mouth
Megan Koester

"Fuck discourse. Let's just type at each other until we get tired enough to lose interest." - The internet
Dan Cronin

After a while, all of my socks look like they were purchased in Russia.

Sponsored Content

Tags:

todays best tweets, tweetin, twitter, witstream