Splitsider

Friday, March 1st, 2013

Follow Friday: @ChrisRRegan

Everybody fancies themselves as some sort of wizard that can conjure up laughter by a few strokes of a keyboard, but only a few tweeters are truly worthy enough to have all of their witticisms transmitted to you, the ever busy comedy fan trying to navigate through an increasingly congested internet. Every Friday we'll make your life a little bit easier by introducing you to an individual that you might not know about who consistently makes us laugh and momentarily forget that other days of the week exist.

(If you're reading this from an RSS feed, jump on over to the website where you can actually view the tweets for an optimal level of enjoyment.)

Chris Regan (@ChrisRRegan) currently writes for The Jeselnik Offensive and it is a much better job than his last gig.

Dammit. My Instagram self-portraits were all sold and now I'm playing bass in the Viagra roadhouse band! #vivaviagra
@ChrisRRegan
Chris Regan

He doesn't have to wait in line anymore.

The Atlas Shrugged movie opens today. I think there's going to be a lot of cutting in line.
@ChrisRRegan
Chris Regan

Or worry about flash mobs.

I like the term "Flash Mob," but much prefer "Organized Harassment of Minimum Wage Employees in a Retail Setting."
@ChrisRRegan
Chris Regan

Chris has worked a 9-to-5 office job before.

Right now, The Pope is pretending to fall for the "meeting in the conference room" ruse, knowing full well that there's going to be cake.
@ChrisRRegan
Chris Regan

He used to be unjustifiably optimistic.

This latest update of Adobe Acrobat is going to be the game changer.
@ChrisRRegan
Chris Regan

Saw the potential in even the most mocked of advertisements.

The Zooey Deschanel Siri commercial is a lot more inspiring if you imagine she's been blind since birth.
@ChrisRRegan
Chris Regan

But Regan at some point came to distrust people.

This year's Puppy Bowl quarterback is dedicating the game to his girlfriend who just got put to sleep. Not buying it!
@ChrisRRegan
Chris Regan

Even Oscar winners.

George Clooney arrested outside Sudanese embassy, in effort to distract cops as Asian acrobat hidden in money cart wheeled inside.
@ChrisRRegan
Chris Regan

Recent Oscar winners.

"Screaming Iranian #11" -- credit at the end of "Argo."
@ChrisRRegan
Chris Regan

Some of the other Best Picture nominees were robbed.

Al Roker's Secret Service codename is Zero Dark Squirty.
@ChrisRRegan
Chris Regan

That film couldn't have been made without the help of certain people.

Augusta National Golf Club invites Condoleeza Rice to be member. Unfortunately, she usually ignores important memos that arrive in August.
@ChrisRRegan
Chris Regan

Even Bin Laden's death didn't satisfy Chris.

Glad Obama got Bin Laden, but when is he going to get the guy who played sax on "The Heat is On?"
@ChrisRRegan
Chris Regan

Chris just wants some Burger King. Quietly.

I'm on board w/ Burger King home delivery if 1) The deliveryman wears creepy Burger King mask and 2) he remains silent during transaction.
@ChrisRRegan
Chris Regan

He doesn't have a unique appetite.

"Student Ate Roommate's Heart & Brain." I'll bet that led to a hugely, passive-aggressive note on the fridge.
@ChrisRRegan
Chris Regan

Regan might be wine drunk.

If you say "Norah Jones" three times into a mirror, a glass of Chardonnay appears in your hand.
@ChrisRRegan
Chris Regan

Chris gives the most succinct explanation for what the Higgs Boson is exactly.

Higgs Boson is the name of the villain on the next season of "Justified."
@ChrisRRegan
Chris Regan

Another week, another Mariah Carey tweet.

When Mariah Carey's twins shriek & cry, do they point at the notes?
@ChrisRRegan
Chris Regan

Regan's neck is not as cold as Josh Groban's.

Josh Groban owns over 11 miles of scarf.
@ChrisRRegan
Chris Regan

Hey.

Paterno statue to come down. Plans to play "Rock and Roll (Part II)" while doing so somewhat inappropriate.
@ChrisRRegan
Chris Regan

Mitt Romney won after all.

Romney endorsed by Kid Rock, Nugent, Meatloaf. He's running for President of Your High School Wrestling Coach's Camaro.
@ChrisRRegan
Chris Regan

Sarah Palin is timeless.

Sarah Palin on "Today" show. Willard Scott wishes her worldview a Happy 150th Birthday!
@ChrisRRegan
Chris Regan

As is someone else, to Chris's surprise.

SHOCKER: Paul McCartney joins Nirvana. BIGGER SHOCKER: Courtney Love still hasn't joined John Lennon/George Harrison.
@ChrisRRegan
Chris Regan
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