Splitsider

Friday, March 22nd, 2013

Follow Friday: Jess Dweck (@thedweck)

Everybody fancies themselves as some sort of wizard that can conjure up laughter by a few strokes of a keyboard, but only a few tweeters are truly worthy enough to have all of their witticisms transmitted to you, the ever busy comedy fan trying to navigate through an increasingly congested internet. Every Friday we'll make your life a little bit easier by introducing you to an individual that you might not know about who consistently makes us laugh and momentarily forget that other days of the week exist.

(If you're reading this from an RSS feed, jump on over to the website where you can actually view the tweets for an optimal level of enjoyment.)

Jess Dweck (@thedweck) is a writer for Late Night with Jimmy Fallon who works part time at the GAP.

Whenever I try to re-fold a shirt at a clothing store, I feel like that old lady who restored the Jesus fresco.
@TheDweck
Jess Dweck

And as a part time pollster.

43% of Americans think divine intervention has played a role in Tim Tebow's success, while the other 57% did not eat paint chips as a child.
@TheDweck
Jess Dweck

She notices certain patterns of behavior.

This isn't the first time Lance Armstrong has eaten crow.
@TheDweck
Jess Dweck

Jess might not know your name.

I don't know Adele's boyfriend's name, so I'll just call him Album 3. #Grammys
@TheDweck
Jess Dweck

Unless it's your porn star name.

To get your "porn star name," take the street you grew up on and see whether it's in a low-income area with a high rate of domestic abuse.
@TheDweck
Jess Dweck

Or if you are Beyonce.

If Jay-Z and Beyonce ever get divorced, I'd love to watch their custody rap battle.
@TheDweck
Jess Dweck

Beyonce is more relatable than you think.

Wow, Beyonce is just like us. She lip-syncs to Beyonce.
@TheDweck
Jess Dweck

Jess is alive, unlike some grumpy legends.

Andy Rooney passed away last night after a long battle with kids these days.
@TheDweck
Jess Dweck

Or humble people.

Dead people are so down to earth.
@TheDweck
Jess Dweck

Because she is alive and living in New York City, Dweck has some thoughts on Lena Dunham.

Lena Dunham's acceptance speech didn't have enough minorities in it.
@TheDweck
Jess Dweck

She does not live in Mississippi.

I'm glad Mississippi decided an egg isn't a person, but I wish someone would tell them Febreze isn't a shower.
@TheDweck
Jess Dweck

Jess has seen The Wire.

Mitt Romney's favorite character from the Wire was The System.
@TheDweck
Jess Dweck

Her physician is Dr. Nick Riviera.

I just flew in from a botched surgery and boy are my arms legs.
@TheDweck
Jess Dweck

Which might explain her exercise regimen.

The only regular exercise I get is running from my problems.
@TheDweck
Jess Dweck

Val Kilmer should not be on that plan.

I'm not saying Val Kilmer's put on a few pounds but all the clocks at his house are set to peanut butter jelly time.
@TheDweck
Jess Dweck

Shazam is somewhat critical of Jess.

Just tried to Shazam the sound of my neighbors having sex. Turns out there's a song called "Get a Life, Sad Lady."
@TheDweck
Jess Dweck

It is unknown if they are similarly catty whenever LMFAO comes on.

I wonder how many special moments are currently being ruined by an LMFAO song.
@TheDweck
Jess Dweck

Jess was pleased with getting forty one retweets for this tweet.

Twitter is a hollow wasteland that embodies the relentless narcissism of the modern age. Anyway, please RT.
@TheDweck
Jess Dweck

For once she felt successful.

Now that Wikipedia's back up, I can return to reading about how successful everyone already was by my age.
@TheDweck
Jess Dweck

At least the future will be easier.

With bin Laden, Qaddafi, & Kim Jong il dead, 2011 has provided us with crazy news and perhaps the most difficult game of fuck-marry-kill.
@TheDweck
Jess Dweck