Splitsider

Friday, March 29th, 2013

Follow Friday: @MattKoff

Everybody fancies themselves as some sort of wizard that can conjure up laughter by a few strokes of a keyboard, but only a few tweeters are truly worthy enough to have all of their witticisms transmitted to you, the ever busy comedy fan trying to navigate through an increasingly congested internet. Every Friday we'll make your life a little bit easier by introducing you to an individual that you might not know about who consistently makes us laugh and momentarily forget that other days of the week exist.

(If you're reading this from an RSS feed, jump on over to the website where you can actually view the tweets for an optimal level of enjoyment.)

Matt Koff (@mattkoff) is another comedian that did not have the happiest of childhoods.

I don't know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
@mattkoff
Matt Koff

Since day one.

Using Facebook Timeline I just "liked" my own birth, which is more than I can say for my parents, am I right? Someone hold me.
@mattkoff
Matt Koff

Even though his mother wasn't always the worst.

Have a great day, Mom! And thanks for letting it slide each time I'd come home after midnight covered in blood. ;)
@mattkoff
Matt Koff

It turned him into a monster of a parent himself.

"Speech! Speech! Speech!"-me showing off in front of my deaf mute son
@mattkoff
Matt Koff

That kid never had a chance.

can babies really not eat popcorn or are they just being dramatic
@mattkoff
Matt Koff

Matt is willing to settle.

Does anyone have a hot glue gun I can borrow? Or a regular glue gun with an awesome personality?
@mattkoff
Matt Koff

Very much so.

If you don't have anything nice to say, then I will probably end up dating you.
@mattkoff
Matt Koff

But nobody can compare to Karen.

NEW YORKERS: where is your #1 favorite place to eat dinner alone and think about karen
@mattkoff
Matt Koff

Koff has a good pick-up line ready to go.

Hey, are you a squirrel? Cuz you've been running through my beard all day.
@mattkoff
Matt Koff

He is a war veteran.

I'm a proud veteran of 3 comment wars.
@mattkoff
Matt Koff

Who loves to party!

Guys, it's 4/20, you know what that means! (The war in Afghanistan has raged on for 10 years and 196 days with little resolution in sight.)
@mattkoff
Matt Koff

But Matt has problems keeping it under control.

Whoa, landlord refusing to give security back because--HIS WORDS--"everything is burnt"???
@mattkoff
Matt Koff

He has hopes and dreams.

I just want to be famous enough to crowd-surf to the post office.
@mattkoff
Matt Koff

But he'll need a job first.

I really showed that Rubik's Cube who's unemployed.
@mattkoff
Matt Koff

Which Koff doesn't have because of his attire.

They say "Dress for the job you want," which is why I always dress like a hand.
@mattkoff
Matt Koff

And Matt was probably asked to stop volunteering.

"You homeless fucks like canned shit?" - Food Drives
@mattkoff
Matt Koff

Koff doesn't even know what time it is.

"What do we want?" "WATCHES!!!" "When do we want 'em?" "???"
@mattkoff
Matt Koff

Or popular music lyrics.

So apparently there is no TLC song called "Don't Go, Jason Waterfalls."
@mattkoff
Matt Koff

But he does know some cold hard truths.

FACT: Over 100 million cats each year go completely un-Instagrammed.
@mattkoff
Matt Koff

At least Matt is getting the help he needs.

Turns out the depression support group I've been going to is actually a level 1 improv class.
@mattkoff
Matt Koff
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  • http://twitter.com/soce Soce Wizard

    Matt Koff is the very greatest!! Writer, videos, stand-up and more.. multiple threat!