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Monday, March 4th, 2013

"Football Monday's Comin' to Your Town on Monday Night," My Attempt at a New Monday Night Football Song, by Cullen Crawford

Dear Sirs or Madames at ESPN,

With the NFL season over I think it may be time to reconsider your approach to branding Monday Night Football. Simply put, America misses the dancing and singing Guitarman who announces the things that will happen in the upcoming game while wearing sunglasses. I understand your probable reticence, as your last Guitarman was a hateful monster.  Which is why I’m writing you to offer my service as America’s new Monday Night Football Song and Dance Man. I assure you I hate no one but myself and am very good at predicting the happenings of a typical Monday Night Football evening. Please find my attached lyrics for “Football Monday’s Comin’ to Your Town on Monday Night.”

Hoo yeah (x11)

Well it’s Monday night and we’re ready to go,
The men in the helmets puttin’ on a football show,
There’s gonna be tackles and a lot of first downs,
And when the refs blow the whistles, gonna hear a whistle sound,
So wake up the babies and don’t let the dogs bite,
We gonna watch some football all through the Monday Night

Oh boy (x11)

Then after the game when you’re snug in your homes
The man singing this song’s gonna be drinking alone
And then when you’re at rest all asleep in your beds,
I’ll be holding my gun right up next to my head,
But I wont pull the trigger, cause I’m a coward alright
So get ready for touchdowns cause it’s Football, Monday Night

Yes! Yeah! (x1)

And then later in life, you’ll all build families
And I’ll be sleeping in my car covered in poop and pee
You’ll be having turkey dinners with your loved ones all around
I’ll be selling my plasma, eatin’ rats that I found
They’ll probably find my body riddled with frostbite
Get excited for the football, though, because of Monday Night

Woo baby x (37)

(Xylophone Solo)

Woo baby (x3)

And then 500 years later after we’re all dead
They’ll have flying cars, and robots, and digital bread
Everyone will have iPods floating in their brains
And we’ll euthanize old people cause it’s more humane,
An age of lasting world peace with no more drought or blight
And they’ll probably outlaw football on their Cyber-Monday Nights

(Does dance where I pretend to be a quarterback and the guitar is a football)

Then get ready for what happens in a billion years
When the earth’s devoid of life and there’s no more beers
The planet’ll empty, all covered in dust
And the universe collapses and the stars all combust
Eternal nothingness forever, giant vacuum devoid of light
But try not to think about it on the Monday Football Night


Cullen Crawford
is a terrible man in Chicago. He contributes to The Onion News Network and other internet things. His Twitter is here.

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