Splitsider

Monday, April 8th, 2013

Excerpts From a Kiss Cam Standard Operating Procedures Manual, by Greg Castle

Congratulations on your promotion to KISS CAM DIRECTOR. You are part of a long tradition of sporting event Jumbotron distractions. The following guidelines will help you lead your Kiss Cam team to crowd-pleasing, lip-locking victory!

Participation. Rowdy cheers for kissing couples and boos for couples who refuse to kiss are desired spectator responses. If the overall reaction is disapproving silence, gasps of discomfort, or intense grunting, something is wrong.

If a couple refuses to kiss, leave them and come back to them. If they still refuse, keep them in focus until they have been legitimately chastised by the crowd. Gain the crowd’s ire, let the camera remind everyone who is in control, and they will surrender to your will, in spite of their embarrassment or familial relationship to each other.

Inappropriate Pairings. In regards to age, the closer the better. A kissing elderly couple is adorable. Two newborns kissing is even cuter. Stay far away from May/December or Harold/Maude pairings of any sort. A kiss from Grandpa is only okay at Thanksgiving dinner.

Never pick couples who are dressed identically. The kiss is uncomfortably awkward.

Couples who have already been kissing for most of the game will use the attention of the Kiss Cam as an opportunity to take things to the next level. This is the most common genesis of wardrobe malfunctions and the heaviest of fines.

A single man, nursing a beer by himself, is not considered inappropriate for the kiss cam. He will kiss the beer, the crowd will chuckle as you move on, and the man will continue his drink in fathomless sadness.

ALWAYS AVOID:

  • Priests.
  • Convicts.
  • Ventriloquists.
  • Empty seats.
  • Cats in heat.
  • French threesomes.
  • Anyone holding a turkey leg.
  • Anyone holding a bag of ice to their head.
  • Anyone holding a poster board that says “Make Me Kiss Somebody.”
  • People in trenchcoats.
  • People in masks.
  • People in distress.

Celebs. If you are lucky enough to have a celebrity in attendance, handle with care. Show them the common courtesy of approaching them before your segment to verify that they are okay being shown on camera with their high-paid escort.

Transitions and Advertisements. Ample amounts of the heart wipe should be utilized, but please limit usage of the clock and spinning newspaper wipe. An iris wipe may be used to end a kiss but be aware that a slow fade out on a sweet kiss may be confused as a meditation on the frailty of time.

The U.S. Surgeon General has removed the hypnosis strobe wipe until further notice. (Still okay in Canada.)

Check before the game to see which sponsors have purchased the banners on either side of the Jumbotron screen. Turn these banners off during the kiss cam if they are disagreeable with romance. For example, if the night is brought to you by Trojan, keep the banners on. If it’s Arby’s, turn them off.

Music. “You’ll Never Find Another Love Like Mine” by Lou Rawls will play with NO EXCEPTIONS. Until someone manages to record a song with silkier vocals mingled with a more arousing bass line, this is the one and only Kiss Cam soundtrack that can be played in good conscience.

Proposals. Spontaneous proposals should not be tolerated. Proper graphics must accompany marriage proposals ("SHE SAID YES!!!!" or "BETTER LUCK NEXT TIME!!!") The Kiss Cam should not step on the toes of the Bliss Cam.

Same-Sex Couples. Focusing on two men kissing is discouraged.

(REVISED 3-17-09) According to new legislation, the Kiss Cam is allowed to focus on two men that appear to be in a loving and mature relationship.

(REVISED 5-23-10) While we cannot legally say if it is morally right or wrong for two men to be filmed kissing, due to recent protests and threatening phone calls, we strongly discourage male couples on the Kiss Cam.

(REVISED 12-10-12) Under current management, diversity is once again desired.

Follow these guidelines and your Jumbotron Kiss Cam will broadcast that fleeting breath where the communal spirit of sports coalesces with the imperfect pursuit of intimacy to surpass all known feelings of pleasure and pain.

Your job is not to force people to kiss each other in front of an arena of drunken sports fans. It should be your passion.

 

Greg Castle is a Los Angeles comedian who has peanut butter here (rtcomedy.com) and jelly over here. The bread is you.

The Humor Section features a piece of original humor writing each week. To submit, send an email to Brian Boone.

  • Killerb

    So funny!

  • Fred Mercurial

    Not bad, but still not even close to that conjoined piece, which is the funniest I've read so far.