Everybody fancies themselves as some sort of wizard that can conjure up laughter by a few strokes of a keyboard, but only a few tweeters are truly worthy enough to have all of their witticisms transmitted to you, the ever busy comedy fan trying to navigate through an increasingly congested internet. Every Friday we'll make your life a little bit easier by introducing you to an individual that you might not know about who consistently makes us laugh and momentarily forget that other days of the week exist.
(If you're reading this from an RSS feed, jump on over to the website where you can actually view the tweets for an optimal level of enjoyment.)
Chris Thayer (@christhayersays) is a stand-up and writer for Pete Holmes' upcoming post-Conan program The Midnight Show. He was kind enough to talk about what was going through his mind when writing some of his funnier tweets.
*Kool-Aid man full of kombucha takes his shoes off, enters through front door* "Namaste."
"I said 'front door,' but I've always pictured a screen door in my head. It has an exposed wood frame and lacks one of those closing devices. He shuts it very gently to keep it from making a sound. It's around 9:30 at night and the living room is warmly lit by a single lamp."
*kills self after minor embarrassment* Cue my mom at funeral: "He died doing what he loved: exaggerating his problems to get attention."
"I felt embarrassed enough about something that I posted a joke about killing myself and now, looking back on it, I have no idea what I was embarrassed about. If you’re an adult being bullied by life, just remember: it gets better (and then infinitely worse and slightly better and so on and so on until you die). Come to think of it, no wonder people off themselves all the time…JEEZ LOUISE!"
"Madea Goes To...*spins giant wheel*...WAFFLE HOUSE? Well, the wheel has spoken, boys; let's make a movie!" -Tyler Perry's creative process
"I was texting my girlfriend and she made a joke about Tyler Perry. I desperately wanted to impress her with a funny response—yet another feeble attempt to create a distraction from the dark and toxic parts of my personality—and this tweet was the result. We broke up."
Girl, is your name 9/11? Because the walls I usually have up are collapsing at an alarming rate.
"While 'Girl is your name _____' is pretty much a stock premise on Twitter, this was inspired by two instances where I thought it was used really well: one from Brian Gaar [@briangaar]: 'Girl is that ass named 9/11 because I’m secretly behind it' and one from Eireann Dolan [@EireannDolan] 'Daaaamn girl is your name Katrina because my lower 9th just flooded.' Their uses of national tragedies as part of clever-but-crude pick-up lines are hilarious enough to me that I still remember them now, months after they were posted. In mine, I substituted the sexual innuendo with overt sincerity and I think the end result blurs the line between joke and melodramatic teen poetry. That's all I'm aiming for with twitter: melodramatic teen joke poetry."
Cop: "I'm gonna cite you for texting & driving." Me: "I wasn't texting, I was SEXTING." *we high five* *"Are You Gonna Go My Way" plays*
"As you may have guessed, this tweet was commissioned by the fine people at the LennyKravitzVEVO YouTube channel. It was meant to spread awareness about the dangers of texting while driving, but they said I, 'fucked it up by making it all cool.' Whatever."
It's possible that the Kravitz people decided to go with someone with a more traditionally impressive degree.
Dropping out of art school IS your diploma.
Chris was probably distracted when coming up with the tweet anyway.
I wouldn't say I "enjoy" sex so much as I "let the pursuit of it control my life".
Thayer enjoys puns, and doesn't take it for granted that he is free to make them at no expense to his livelihood.
"I'm an ass, man" said the donkey with a laugh (before being murdered by the villagers who feared talking animals and loathed wordplay).
Saved by the Bell wasn't even immune to wordplay.
Oh, I get it now! Mister "BELL-DING"...very clever.
Sometimes it's probably best to keep the wordplay to yourself.
Rejected sext: "Remember, babe, it's not a U.T.I. without U and I."
And to be less vague in your songwriting.
"WHO THE FUCK IS GEORGIA?!" -Ray Charles' wife
Chris has identity issues.
i call regular masturbation "the stranger" because after i finish, i'm always like "who AM i?"
Despite rolling deep.
*brings a mountain of insecurities to a party* "It's cool, they're with me."
And knowing a lot of classic jokes.
Somewhere, a Chinese guy just went pee-pee in his own Coke and depression manifests itself differently in every culture.
Thayer has done the research.
New study reveals that 100% of fucked up people were members of a family at some point.
He is kinky.
I'm not saying I have a foot fetish, but I have only ever loved those who carelessly walked all over me.
It gives him feelings of self-entrapment.
3 easy steps to a panic attack: 1) lotion up your hands 2) try in vain to open an already unlocked door 3) marvel as the fear envelops you!
Chris has been a Wes Anderson fan for over fifteen years.
I liked Wes Anderson's movies better when they were The Adventures of Pete & Pete.
He's not as big of a Hitchcock guy.
What's that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?