Splitsider

Friday, April 19th, 2013

Follow Friday: @DominicDierkes

Everybody fancies themselves as some sort of wizard that can conjure up laughter by a few strokes of a keyboard, but only a few tweeters are truly worthy enough to have all of their witticisms transmitted to you, the ever busy comedy fan trying to navigate through an increasingly congested internet. Every Friday we'll make your life a little bit easier by introducing you to an individual that you might not know about who consistently makes us laugh and momentarily forget that other days of the week exist.

(If you're reading this from an RSS feed, jump on over to the website where you can actually view the tweets for an optimal level of enjoyment.)

Dominic Dierkes (@dominicdierkes) is a proud member of DERRICK comedy in addition to being a podcast host and a nice enough individual to share some of the wisdom behind a few of his funny tweets.

I think we can all agree that the most interesting person in every room is the guy who talks about how tired he is.
@dominicdierkes
Dominic Dierkes

"This is a big pet peeve of mine. Everyone's tired, right? No one's getting as much sleep as they want. So, why do people talk about how little they slept as if they're heroes: 'Well, I tried to fall sleep last night but then I couldn't until I did and even THEN it wasn't enough! I might be the strongest person ever.'"

All the Netflix docs I've watched could be combined into 1 film titled THE SYSTEM IS BROKEN, WHAT YOU EAT IS KILLING YOU, AND SPACE BE CRAZY
@dominicdierkes
Dominic Dierkes

"Falling asleep to Netflix documentaries is one of my favorite past times. And maybe this is just my personally recommended Netflix experience, but my options always fall into one of those three categories. Most of the time, I choose SPACE BE CRAZY documentaries. Just because they don't keep me awake and then I don't have to talk about how tired I am the next day."

If you don't respond to my text within 5 min just know that I've already concocted a narrative where you and all my friends secretly hate me
@dominicdierkes
Dominic Dierkes

"Any time someone stops responding to me, I've found the healthiest option is to just assume its the worst case scenario and then rock back and forth muttering in despair until they text back. I'm a big fan of competing against my own imagination for my happiness."

I ordered my iPhone 5 with a pre-cracked screen. #HipsterCred
@dominicdierkes
Dominic Dierkes

"Why not, right? A pre-cracked iPhone screen would have the same appeal as a pre-frayed hat brim. Wouldn't require much more on the assembly line, either. Just hire a guy with a tack hammer to give each one a good whack. Come to think of it, why didn't I take this idea to Shark Tank?"

When restraining orders say, "Maintain a distance of 150 feet" that doesn't mean vertically, does it? #hotairballoonloophole
@dominicdierkes
Dominic Dierkes

"I don't want to get into this one too much, but I will say that it is NOT a loophole. Please learn from my mistake. It definitely violates the restraining order and no matter how nicely you ask, she's just never gonna climb up that rope ladder."

Even though Dominic is never going to win the award for World's Greatest Ex, he might have what it takes to someday win World's Greatest Dad.

There should be only one World's Greatest Dad shirt. And you should have to kill the previous owner to wear it.
@dominicdierkes
Dominic Dierkes

As long as he stops getting wasted.

Not sure what placebo means, but I'm high as fuck off these ones my doctor gave me.
@dominicdierkes
Dominic Dierkes

And if he stops being a shoe.

Sometimes, I'll get tagged in photos on Facebook and then I'll think, "Oh my God, is that what I look like? A fucking SHOE?!"
@dominicdierkes
Dominic Dierkes

Dierkes has some good ideas that will ultimately be obfuscated by idiots.

I think at least one Presidential debate should be held in the comment thread of an ill-informed Facebook wall post.
@dominicdierkes
Dominic Dierkes

Dominic is not in control.

Allergies are Mother Nature's way of gently whispering in my ear: "You're still my bitch."
@dominicdierkes
Dominic Dierkes

He has extra money to spend.

It's almost worth the Whole Foods prices to not have the Trader Joe's cashiers ask me about my life
@dominicdierkes
Dominic Dierkes

Definitely has a positive attitude.

Positive thinking is all you need. Unless you dont have food or water or whatever. But stay away from people like that, they're too negative
@dominicdierkes
Dominic Dierkes

The future is working out great for him.

I'm glad that corporations finally realized that for all these years, I've been jonesin to scan random barcodes on posters.
@dominicdierkes
Dominic Dierkes

That isn't to say that Dominic doesn't sometimes live in fear.

Hey rappers, pretty sure you're just joking but I gotta say it anyway: When I'm at the club with my girlfriend don't steal her with your $$$
@dominicdierkes
Dominic Dierkes

Not feeling safe is what is wrong with America.

Saying that one element of pop culture is "what's wrong with America" is what's wrong with America.
@dominicdierkes
Dominic Dierkes

Dominic does not have a wife or child, no matter what he tells you.

By far, the scariest movie genre is the "everyone in the world's telling me they've never seen my son / wife but I know they're lying" genre
@dominicdierkes
Dominic Dierkes

He thinks it's humid out.

(in a hick voice) "Well if global warming's REAL then how come it's so damn... hot... outside... okay, NOW I get."
@dominicdierkes
Dominic Dierkes

Complaining about a lack of sleep is such a pet peeve of his, Dominic is willing to sacrifice people's lives to get his rest.

If you told me that every time I pushed my snooze alarm, someone somewhere died, I'd probably push it like... half as much.
@dominicdierkes
Dominic Dierkes

And legally there's nothing you can do about it.

If I'm ever on trial, good luck finding a jury of my peers. #peerless #trueoriginal
@dominicdierkes
Dominic Dierkes

If you don't like it, come and get him in Big Bear Lake, California.

I like to tag my tweets with locations, as if to say, "If you didn't like that joke, come do something about it."
@dominicdierkes
Dominic Dierkes
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