Splitsider

Friday, April 26th, 2013

Follow Friday: Sofiya Alexandra (@thesofiya)

Everybody fancies themselves as some sort of wizard that can conjure up laughter by a few strokes of a keyboard, but only a few tweeters are truly worthy enough to have all of their witticisms transmitted to you, the ever busy comedy fan trying to navigate through an increasingly congested internet. Every Friday we'll make your life a little bit easier by introducing you to an individual that you might not know about who consistently makes us laugh and momentarily forget that other days of the week exist.

(If you're reading this from an RSS feed, jump on over to the website where you can actually view the tweets for an optimal level of enjoyment.)

Sofiya Alexandra (@thesofiya) is a comedian, writer, "eater" and "defecator" and a kind enough individual to share some of the wisdom behind a few of her funny tweets.

which is the Beyonce song where it's like we're independent but also you should marry us but like we're super-strong but also pay our bills
@TheSofiya
Sofiya Alexandra

"So I have a serious Beyonce problem. I even tweeted about her and only her for a week straight (B'Week). Basically, I am in love with her and her powerful thighs and her jams and with how boss she is, but as I am a living breathing thinking person, I have a hard time with her lyrics. So I just combined all the messages of her songs into one song to show how ridiculous they are taken together. Of course people have tweeted me actual song guesses about 1,889,829 times, for which I am forever grateful."

Bucket list: give head while wearing the glasses w/ the googley eyes on springs, keep apologizing and putting them back in as they fall out.
@TheSofiya
Sofiya Alexandra

"I was thinking about the unsexiest beej ever and this made me laugh in my head, because men would still be very interested in this beej."

You can lead a horse to slaughter, I'm sorry I meant WATER, shhh shhh don't be scared Apples, the slaughter is fine I MEAN WATER JUST GET IN
@TheSofiya
Sofiya Alexandra

"Horses are very majestic and and have stunning large eyes but they threaten me with their wild beauty and unbridled sexuality, and so they have to be murdered, I mean FED DELICIOUS OATS with a knife."

Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN'T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
@TheSofiya
Sofiya Alexandra

"I think we can all agree that children are beautiful morons. HOW HARD IS IT TO BE A GROWN PERSON CLAYTON."

Tip: Never look a bear in the eye, b/c you fall in love when you least expect it and BAM NOW YOU AND THE BEAR ARE STUCK WITH A CAVE MORTGAGE
@TheSofiya
Sofiya Alexandra

"I just thought it was important to let young women know about the dangers of bears so they can make better choices than I did as a teenager. I mean I'm putting 6 cubs through salmon hunting college by myself, and even though I wouldn't trade them for the world, I really wish someone had given me this advice when I was young."

Despite raising six children, Sofiya keeps up with the latest fashion trends.

Fashion tip: EVERYONE DIES
@TheSofiya
Sofiya Alexandra

Sometimes looking too good for her own good.

SORRY I SLEPT WITH UR FIANCE BUT 2 B FAIR I'VE BEEN USING A NEW LASH-BLAST MASCARA AND IT'S XTRA FLIRTY SO I FEEL LIKE NOT MUCH I CAN DO LOL
@TheSofiya
Sofiya Alexandra

She is a bit out of touch when it comes to funereal etiquette.

Is stroking a stranger's hair still the best way to let them know you think this is a very tasteful funeral?
@TheSofiya
Sofiya Alexandra

At least she knows better than to get into the weather.

clouds are just ghost cum
@TheSofiya
Sofiya Alexandra

Alexandra keeps in shape through rigorous exercise.


And keeping sane with a second career.

One time I took myself so seriously I became a DJ.
@TheSofiya
Sofiya Alexandra

Sofiya knows why you are alone.

I have no idea why you're single either, girl who mentioned that "men suck" three times in the last five minutes
@TheSofiya
Sofiya Alexandra

She has found fault with the world's atlas.

HOW COME GUATEMALA IS A COUNTRY AND GUACAMOLE ISN'T EVEN A CITY
@TheSofiya
Sofiya Alexandra

And with Winnie the Pooh's vernacular.

Hey Winnie the Pooh, it's 2011, is "Tigger" still appropriate? At the very least call him Tegro, it's like MLK died for nothing!!
@TheSofiya
Sofiya Alexandra

Winnie probably starts twitter hashtags.

#BlackPeopleGetMadWhen black people start these hashtags. White people too. Every thinking person really.
@TheSofiya
Sofiya Alexandra

Alexandra doesn't want to bother with your played out set-ups.

THIS ONE TIME AT BAND CAMP I TOOK A TIRED JOKE PREMISE AND DID NOTHING NEW TO IT
@TheSofiya
Sofiya Alexandra

Sofiya is made of guts.

Inside every woman is a bunch of guts. Why, what were you expecting?
@TheSofiya
Sofiya Alexandra

The Golden Girls is her favorite show.

ARE YOU HONESTLY TRYING TO TELL ME THAT ALL THE GOLDEN GIRLS WILL NOT BE BURIED IN THE SAME GRAVE WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO FUCK YOURSELF
@TheSofiya
Sofiya Alexandra

When Full House isn't on.

I'm a DJ Tanner in the streets and a Kimmy Gibbler in the sheets but a Kimmy Gibbler in the streets also sorry :(
@TheSofiya
Sofiya Alexandra