Everybody fancies themselves as some sort of wizard that can conjure up laughter by a few strokes of a keyboard, but only a few tweeters are truly worthy enough to have all of their witticisms transmitted to you, the ever busy comedy fan trying to navigate through an increasingly congested internet. Every Friday we'll make your life a little bit easier by introducing you to an individual that you might not know about who consistently makes us laugh and momentarily forget that other days of the week exist.
(If you're reading this from an RSS feed, jump on over to the website where you can actually view the tweets for an optimal level of enjoyment.)
Brian Gaar (@briangaar) is an Austin-based standup that was kind enough to elaborate on a few of his funniest tweets. White people in their twenties who enjoy New Girl and believe everything the government tells them might have their world about to be rocked.
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she's been shown a card trick
"Every time I look at her, I think 'Oh my god, that IS my card!!!'"
HELLO 911, I JUST CHUGGED 10 MOUNTAIN DEWS AND MY SON'S FRIENDS ARE ALL CHEERING. WHERE DID THESE X-GAMES MEDALS COME FROM
"I just had a daughter and this is probably the kind of dad I'll be — the idiot trying to fit in with teenagers. 'Hey kids, let's play some Mario Kart!! Where are you guys going? I've three-starred every track…'"
I used to think I hated hipsters, but really it's just everyone in their 20s
"A lot of my standup is based on being a mid-30s curmudgeon. I'm not old, but I definitely can see the handwriting on the wall. And I'm already noticing that I'm more and more disconnected from pop culture; I don't know any new bands and I get annoyed if someone was born after 1990."
I'm "cops wave at me" white
"This is from my standup, it's part of a larger bit about white privilege. It just reminded me of being a small-town kid, waving at cops when they drove by. Then the older you get, you realize that other races probably don't have that same experience."
. @ I think we accidentally got disconnected. Anyway there's no way that Oswald gets off three shots in that amount of time, plus
"I love conspiracy theorists because none of them can let it go. If you have a buddy who is into the Illuminati, he'll bring it up in every conversation. I have a whole series of tweets based on Sesame Street characters who are 9/11 Truthers."
Not just from Sesame Street.
*Kool-Aid man busts through wall* SEE THAT IMPACT CRATER KIDS? OH YEAH! MAKES YOU WONDER WHAT ACTUALLY STRUCK THE PENTAGON
Mario Kart seems to be an obsession of Gaar's. And rightfully so because that game holds up.
If I was The Bachelor we'd all play Mario Kart for 8 weeks, then I'd pick the one with the biggest boobs
"Congratulations, the baby's got green overalls!" Peach sobs. Mario flies into a rage.
He shouldn't be killed over it. You particularly don't want to murder Gaar anyway.
If I'm murdered, I hope I'm able to write out the killer's name in blood and then "sucks" underneath
Maybe if you ate your egg sandwich somewhere else you wouldn't be having such dark thoughts.
Everyone who eats lunch in their car has a kill list
Odds are Brian will die prematurely anyway.
Officer, the radio was playing "Highway to the Danger Zone," that's why I was going awesome miles per hour
Gaar has had his problems with the police before.
Officer there's nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
It's safe to say the cops aren't fans of his.
HELLO 911, EVERYONE AT THIS NURSING HOME HAS FORGOTTEN ABOUT DRE. EXCEPT THIS ONE DUDE IN SHADES, HE'S HELPING ME ARREST PEOPLE
Brian is used to people not appreciating his sense of humor.
Relationships are mostly you apologizing for saying something hilarious
Despite being incredibly white.
My legs are so white they murdered my indigenous legs and set up a permanent caste system thinly disguised as a war on leg drugs
It makes Gaar depressed.
Twitter has actually been around for hundreds of years; back then, it was called "depression."
Until a unicycle comes along.
Just saw a guy on a unicycle wipe out; it really brought everyone at the bus stop together
His children are a source of frustration.
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote "AQUAMAN RULZ" all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
Everybody knows you shouldn't bunt in that situation!
Oakleys, the official sunglasses of screaming at your kid's little league coach
Gaar isn't rich.
I make seven figures but the first two are zero
So he can't purchase anything organic.
Organic is another way of saying "$5 more"
Or have cursed dogs.
A pug looks like a regular dog who pissed off a wizard
Or cute cats.
Did you know: if you ask a cat "are you a cop" he legally HAS to let you dress him up like an adorable cat cop
His music collection consists of blatant knockoffs.
Wu Tang Corn aint nothing to shuck with
Brian just needs to touch up that screenplay of his, and it'll all work out.