Splitsider

Friday, June 7th, 2013

Follow Friday: @michelleisawolf (Michelle Wolf)

Everybody fancies themselves as some sort of wizard that can conjure up laughter by a few strokes of a keyboard, but only a few tweeters are truly worthy enough to have all of their witticisms transmitted to you, the ever busy comedy fan trying to navigate through an increasingly congested internet. Every Friday we'll make your life a little bit easier by introducing you to an individual that you might not know about who consistently makes us laugh and momentarily forget that other days of the week exist.

(If you're reading this from an RSS feed, jump on over to the website where you can actually view the tweets for an optimal level of enjoyment.)

Michelle Wolf (@michelleisawolf) is a stand-up comedian, as well as a contributor to someecards. She was also cool enough to talk about a few of her funniest tweets.

My friend wanted to feel like a princess for her wedding day, so I made her marry a man she never met in order to secure a French alliance.
@michelleisawolf
Michelle Wolf

"This actually happened. I'm a very powerful man."

"We beat Limp Bizkit!!" - Smash Mouth during their smoke break outside the Burger King they work at.
@michelleisawolf
Michelle Wolf

"This references when Limp Bizkit announced they broke up, but is also what happens every Tuesday when they compete in a whopper eating contest. Also, this was before the whole Burger King horse meat controversy, but after finding out Smash Mouth works there, it's not surprising to learn they use horse meat."

"We meant Lil Wayne died in the way that your phone dies, and you plug it in, then it's not dead anymore and everyone forgives you" - TMZ
@michelleisawolf
Michelle Wolf

"Remember when TMZ reported that Lil Wayne died, but he didn't?! It was actually the most accurate news reporting TMZ has ever done. Remember kids, cough syrup is for one thing only – helping you fall asleep when the world feels 'heavy'. We're all doing fine."

I don't understand why the Great Gatsby is in 3D. If I wanted to feel like I was at a party I didn't belong at, I would just go to any party
@michelleisawolf
Michelle Wolf

"This is the most honest thing I have ever said. You know why hors d'oeuvres are a little bit bigger than one bite? So you can stuff the whole thing in your mouth, and that way you can't talk and say embarrassing things that you'll think about for the next 3 to 4 weeks."

Been trying to order lunch for 4 hours. First I had to pick a place and then I had to make sure it also believes all the things I do.
@michelleisawolf
Michelle Wolf

"This was when Chick-fil-A announced to everyone that they were bigots. And we were all like "let's not eat there. let's only eat at places that use extremely processed and genetically modified food and treat their employees bad but have socially acceptable points of view" and we were all like, 'yeah!' for a week."

Jets fans were "yeah!" when their team cut Tim Tebow.

Where will Tim Tebow be next season? I'm not sure, but we can definitely rule out the Jets and a vagina. #Tebow2013
@michelleisawolf
Michelle Wolf

As we saw above, Michelle is very familiar with all things royalty.

The #royalbaby is currently wearing amniotic fluid designed by Alexander McQueen.
@michelleisawolf
Michelle Wolf

This was seven "Justin Bieber is a ridiculous, possibly insane human being" news stories ago.

To be fair, if Anne Frank went to Justin Bieber's house she would have written "I wish Justin Bieber was in the holocaust".
@michelleisawolf
Michelle Wolf

Michelle has possibly signed away her rights to her first born to Apple without realizing it.

I bet Instagram is really mad that we picked their terms of service to be the first terms of service anyone has ever read.
@michelleisawolf
Michelle Wolf

Wolf doesn't schedule an appointment with one of their geniuses during awards night.

When Fun. is at the Grammys, who is working at the Apple store?
@michelleisawolf
Michelle Wolf

Okay she definitely signed away her rights.

I wish conversations were like user agreements where I could skip to the end and just agree.
@michelleisawolf
Michelle Wolf

She enjoys some wine at night.

Someone should tell scientists they don't need to keep finding reasons for us to drink a glass of wine at night.
@michelleisawolf
Michelle Wolf

Wolf knows that Egg McMuffins taste a lot better if you have one at 10:31 in the morning.

If banks were as fiercely regulated as McDonalds breakfast cut off time, there'd be no problems.
@michelleisawolf
Michelle Wolf

And how to lose weight on a modest lunch budget.

You can get a footlong sub at Subway for $5 or, as a healthier alternative, you could just eat $5.
@michelleisawolf
Michelle Wolf

Michelle has found Facebook to be a bit predictable.

"I'll take your political opinion and I'll raise you a sonogram" - my facebook feed.
@michelleisawolf
Michelle Wolf

Time is unkind to us all.

I looked through all your facebook photos this morning. You were cute in 2008.
@michelleisawolf
Michelle Wolf

She has the world's most depressing sitcom to pitch.

Coach (starring Jerry Sandusky) #depressingsitcoms
@michelleisawolf
Michelle Wolf

Would it be terrible if there was always a Friends tweet in the Follow Friday column every week?

"Great, those annoying white people that talk loud and take all the good seats just walked in" -everyone else in the coffee shop in Friends.
@michelleisawolf
Michelle Wolf

Michelle tweeted what we were all thinking about yesterday's NSA story.

Oh great, thanks NSA, just what I needed, another person reading and not responding to my texts.
@michelleisawolf
Michelle Wolf

Wolf has some bad news for Game of Thrones fans.

Bad news, George R.R. Martin may never finish the Game of Thrones series since both his hands are stuck in mayonnaise jars.
@michelleisawolf
Michelle Wolf

She finds one gender more trustworthy than the other.

Walk up to a woman in a coffee shop, start to ask her to watch your stuff, then say, "nevermind, I just saw a man, he'll do better."
@michelleisawolf
Michelle Wolf

Michelle urges you not to text while driving, since you have to focus on other things.

Don't text and drive, but please read these very distracting billboards.
@michelleisawolf
Michelle Wolf

You need to conserve your battery power anyway (unless you want TMZ to report you dead).

A good pickup line is "I have a phone charger."
@michelleisawolf
Michelle Wolf
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