Dear People of Earth,
Look, I get it. Quite frankly, I’m angry with myself, too. I think the constant egging of my house is a bit much, but I understand where the disappointment comes from. It’s extremely rare for somebody to find a genie lamp, let alone for somebody to have the mental wherewithal to rub it. It was like winning the lottery for me. Trust me, I realized all the good I could do for the world with my wishes. I’m not an asshole, no matter what your e-mails, tweets, and sky-written messages say. If you give me the chance to explain myself, perhaps we can reach some kind of understanding.
Naturally, my first inclination was to ask for a million wishes. That’s a given. However, the genie told me that I couldn’t. Evidently, the rules of Aladdin were spot on. Still, there’s a lot of good you can do with three wishes. Ending disease, ending hunger, ending all sorts of stuff. I would have loved to do any of that, believe me. I will admit, on the surface, my first wish may seem like a total waste. Yes, I wished for a can of Surge, but I have a perfectly good reason for it. I wanted to make sure this wasn’t a Monkey’s Paw kind of situation, you know? I was just testing things out! If anything, I was potentially sacrificing myself, for what it’s worth. Fortunately, the genie was on the level, and I got to have a nice can of Surge for the first time in a long while.
The second wish is where I definitely screwed up. I will totally cop to that. Sure, something that could help the entire world would have been great, and had I been thinking clearly I would have wished for something in that vein, believe me. However, you know how, like, when you're watching a sporting event and you see somebody screw up a seemingly easy play, and then somebody will tell you that you might do the same thing under that pressure? I totally get that now. My mind went blank. With hindsight being 20/20, I probably shouldn’t have rushed my wish. It’s not like I had a time limit on this, but I was so caught up in the moment. I mean, a genie was granting me wishes! Thus, in a panic, I wished for the return of Parker Lewis Can’t Lose. In my defense, it was a great show, and now we all get to enjoy it again. So, in a way, this did benefit humanity as a whole. Maybe think about that before burning another effigy of me on my lawn.
The last wish I’m blaming on the genie. I was really getting into the flow of the whole wishing thing, and the next wish could have easily been for the end of cancer or something. Then, the genie started with the whole, “Maybe you could wish for me to be free,” thing. He was laying it on really thick, and I’m not made of stone. He knew exactly how to push my buttons. I mean, he’s been around for thousands upon thousands of years. I bet he’s tried to pull this shit before. I just happened to be the first guy to fall for it. Next thing I knew, the genie was free, my wishes were gone, and nobody else could ever use this genie to correct my errors.
So now you know how things unfolded. Maybe you can ease up on me a bit? I’m not saying I didn’t screw this up. I totally did. If I could offer advice based on my experiences, I would definitely suggest that if you find a genie you get right to wishing for things that make the world a better place. Otherwise, you could end up like me, gazing out your window as you write a letter, watching a mob carrying torches and pitchforks approaching you slowly.
Please check out Chris Morgan's Twitter, his other Twitter dedicated to ranking every episode of The Simpsons in order, and, if you are feeling particularly generous, his novel.