Everybody fancies themselves as some sort of wizard that can conjure up laughter by a few strokes of a keyboard, but only a few tweeters are truly worthy enough to have all of their witticisms transmitted to you, the ever busy comedy fan trying to navigate through an increasingly congested internet. Every Friday we'll make your life a little bit easier by introducing you to an individual that you might not know about who consistently makes us laugh and momentarily forget that other days of the week exist.
(If you're reading this from an RSS feed, jump on over to the website where you can actually view the tweets for an optimal level of enjoyment.)
Lauren McGuire (@ImLaurenMcGuire), is a sketch writer at the UCB and for John Moe's Wits show. She was kind enough to take some time out of her day to give us some background info on some of her funniest tweets.
"My boyfriend’s sister gave me a bunch of fancy face lotions for some holiday or another and I thought it was so funny that they make separate lotions for different times of the day, as if your face is going to know the difference. And when you look at the back labels, both products have the EXACT same ingredients. It’s just one of those weird marketing tricks they use to sell you twice as much shit. God forbid you use day lotion after 5pm and your whole face explodes off of your body."
"I wrote this one right after I spent half my paycheck on an expensive juicer and the other half on 80 lbs of fruit. I was drinking down something real disgusting (probably some bullshit kale mixture) as I was watching it rain outside. Maybe it was the malnourishment from getting 80% of my daily calories from lukewarm juice soup, but the thought just hit me."
"So many people on my Facebook feed are having babies or getting advanced law degrees. If you’re like me and you spend most of your time just sitting quietly or maybe taking a nap, I suggest padding your resume a little so you don’t feel like so much of a turd."
"This was the first year I ever watched the Super Bowl and I love love love the idea of people doing dances after they score. I can’t believe there are people out there who want to take that away from the players. More dancing, I say! A dance when it the ball goes out of bounds! A dance for a face-masking penalty! A dance for losing! Maybe even add a little shimmying while they’re playing!"
"Every single girl on the universe, at some point or another, has wished she could tame a wild stallion. Someone should do their sociology doctoral thesis on this phenomenon, because it is truly fascinating."
Even if you can't procure a horse, you can always dance like one.
McGuire has possibly met plenty of other animal friends.
All of Lauren's furniture is finely crafted and was purchased at a reasonable price.
They may not all be visible.
Unless Obama starts to take her phone calls.
McGuire has other country saving ideas.
That would make her rich.
As opposed maybe to now.
Lauren can always find a different government in which to present her ideas.
It's not like the Romneys can help her out.
McGuire isn't the ideal viewing companion for a Pixar movie.
Same goes for any animated feature.
There was a major no-show at Lauren's most recent birthday party.
But at least there was pizza.
Not everyone was able to have it.
Maroon 5 might have played.
Lauren is looking pretty cool.
But not as cool as a certain former ballboy/rapper/dancer.