Splitsider

Monday, August 19th, 2013

The Collected Wisdom of Chris Rock

Writer. Director. Movie star. Broadway actor. Voice actor. He appeared on both Saturday Night Live and In Living Color. He created a hit sitcom. He used to host a late-night show, for which he won an Emmy, and he's currently producing a new one. For over 25 years, he has remained one of the most critically and commercially successful standup comics, and he even hosted the Oscars. Chris Rock has conquered every comedic arena that exists, so believe us when we say: he's really good at what he does. And what he does is say funny things.

Here's a giant pile of funny and/or smart things he's said over the years, organized by topic:

Abortion

  • Oh the abortion issue, it's a woman's issue. When a woman get pregnant, she don't want to hear shit from the man. 'Fuck you, motherfuck you, I don't need you.' Unless she decides to have the baby and she's like, 'Where my check?' [Chris Rock: Never Scared, 2004]
  • When a woman get pregnant, it's an issue between her and her girlfriends. When a woman get pregnant, her and her girlfriends form an abortion tribunal, and they vote on the child like it was Survivor. Then the first girlfriend throws in her two cents: 'Child, you should have that baby. That man got some good hair,. It's wavy, it's wavy.' Then second girlfriend throws in her two cents: 'Girl, why are we even talking about this? Ain't we supposed to go to Cancun next weekend? Get rid of that baby.' And that's how life is decided in America. [Chris Rock: Never Scared, 2004]

Aging

  • When you die at 72, no matter what you die of, it's natural causes. Even if you get hit by a truck, it's natural causes. 'Cause if you was younger, you'd have got out the way! [Chris Rock: Kill the Messenger, 2008]

AIDS

  • I took my AlDS test. You start reflecting… You start thinking about every nasty, skank-ass… It's like the movie Scrooge, and the Ghost of Pussy Past comes. [Chris Rock: Bigger and Blacker, 1999]
  • At least they're trying to get rid of AIDS. Some diseases they just gave up on. Some diseases, if you get them, you're on your own. They ain't going to have no telethon for you. R Kelly ain't singing no song. You just got this shit. [Chris Rock: Bigger and Blacker, 1999]

Barack Obama

  • Barack Obama! A black man! With a black name! I know that ain't that black here [in Johannesburg], but in America that's about as black as a name could get. 'Barack Obama!' That's right next to 'Dikembe Mutombo.' That's right. Barack, man, he don't let his blackness sneak up on you. Y'know, if his name was 'Bob Jones' or something, it might take you two or three weeks to realize he black. But as soon as you hear 'Barack Obama' … you expect to see a brother with a spear! Just standing on top of a dead lion! 'Barack Obama!' You expect to see the bass player from The Commodores come out! [Chris Rock: Kill the Messenger, 2008]
  • We're not just voting for him 'cause he's black, we're voting for him 'cause he's black and qualified. … It's not like we're voting for Flavor Flav. … Hey, I love Flavor. Lovin' him for twenty years. I love the Flavor of Love show; I think it's quite entertaining. But Flavor Flav must be killed. In order for black people to truly reach the promised land, Flavor Flav has to be shot. These are important times! We got a black man running for President! We don't need a nigga running around with a fucking clock around his neck and a Viking hat on his head! 'Not this year, Flav, put a suit on! Nigga, put a suit on!' [Chris Rock: Kill the Messenger, 2008]

Crack

  • 'Crack is destroying the black community. Crack is destroying the ghetto.' Like the ghetto was so nice before crack. They say that shit like everybody in the 'hood had a mansion, a yacht, and a swimming pool, then crack came and dried it all up. [Chris Rock: Bring the Pain, 1996]
  • Do you know what the good side of crack is? If you're up at the right hour, you can get a VCR for $1.50. You can furnish your whole house for $10.95. [Chris Rock: Bring the Pain, 1996]
  • Whenever I go out with other married couples, I like to bring along a single crackhead. Just to spice things up. [Chris Rock: Never Scared, 2004]

Criticism

  • We just live in a world where the audience gets a say now. My actual belief? Only fans should be allowed to criticize. Because it’s for the fans. When I hear somebody go, “Country music [stinks],” I’m like, well, country music’s not for you. You’re just being elitist. Only a fan of Travis Tritt can say the record [stinks], because he’s got every one. Same thing with jokes. You’re a fan of mine, that joke’s not even a single, it’s a B-side that never gets released. It’s no big whoop…It’s only a fire when it offends the fans, and the fans turn on you. Tosh has fans, and they get the joke. If you’ve watched enough Tracy Morgan, you let the worst thing go by. When did Tracy Morgan become Walter Cronkite? You have to mean something to me to offend me. You can’t break up with me if we don’t date. [The New York Times, 2012]

David Blaine

  • Are we so desperate for entertainment that we will fall for a trickless magician? Saw a woman in half. Pull a rabbit out of a hat. Do something! What tricks does this guy have? 'I'm in a box… and I ain't gonna eat.' … That ain't no trick! That's called living in the projects! [Chris Rock: Never Scared, 2004]

Fading from Fame

  • No one announces you can't do something anymore. I remember I used to see Christian Slater movies all the time. One day they just stopped making 'em. He didn't get a memo. No one passes you a note. I remember having Jimmie Walker hats when I was a kid, lunch box, shirt, loose-leaf — you think he was warned? No. You think, Oh, I haven't worked in six months, I'll get a job next week. Oh, I haven't worked in a year, now I got to really concentrate on it. It's like finding out somebody cheated on you. Somebody tells you, you overhear it at the fucking coffee shop… [Esquire, 2011]

Food

  • People are starving all over the world, what do you mean, 'red meat will kill you'? Don't eat no red meat? No, don't eat no green meat. If you lucky enough to get your hands on a steak, bite the shit out of it! [Chris Rock: Bring the Pain, 1996]
  • We got so much food in America we're allergic to food. Hungry people ain't allergic to shit. You think anyone in Rwanda's got a fucking lactose intolerance? [Chris Rock: Bring the Pain, 1996]

Gay Marriage

  • We can't have gay marriage 'cause marriage is sacred; it happens in the church. Marriage is sacred, it's sacred. No, it's not, not in America, not in a country that watches Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire? and The Bachelor and The Bachelorette and Who Wants to Marry a Midget. Get the fuck outta here. Shit, Michael Jackson got married, how fucking sacred is that shit? [Chris Rock: Never Scared, 2004]

George W. Bush

  • Hey, man don't let all this celebrity garbage fool you. It's all just a trick to get your mind…off…the…war. I think Bush sent that girl to Kobe's room. Bush sent that girl to Kobe's room, Bush sent that little boy to Michael Jackson's house. Bush killed Laci Peterson. Bush was fucking Paris Hilton in that video. All to get your mind off the war. Bush lied to me, they all lied to me: 'We gotta go to Iraq because they're the most dangerous country on Earth. They're the most dangerous regime in the world.' If they're so dangerous, how come it only took two weeks to take over the whole fucking country? Shit. Man, you couldn't take over Baltimore in two weeks. [Chris Rock: Never Scared, 2004]
  • A black C student can't do shit with his life. A black C student can't be a manager at Burger King. Meanwhile, a white C student just happens to be the President of the United States. [Chris Rock: Never Scared, 2004]
  • George Bush has fucked up so bad, he made it hard for a white man to run for president! People are like, 'Give me a black man, a white woman, a giraffe, a zebra… anything but another white man! That last one fucked up my roof!' [Chris Rock: Kill the Messenger, 2008]
  • George Bush is still in charge. And nobody gives less of a fuck than George Bush. You think you don't give a fuck? Bush don't give a fuck. Nobody gives less of a fuck than George Bush. If you was hanging from a cliff, getting ready to fall to your death–that's right–and Bush was at the top of the cliff, and all you needed was a fuck to save your life, and Bush had a pocket full of fucks… he wouldn't give you one. 'Hey, Bush, I need a fuck!' 'Ohh, you know I don't give a fuck. Here's a fuck… psych!' [Chris Rock: Kill the Messenger, 2008]

Grown Ups 2:

  • Dude, people love Grown Ups. I don’t care what the critics say. Who won the Academy Award this year? The Artist? Hey, The Artist was great. Grown Ups is better than The Artist, and it’s better than The Artist ’cause the audience says so. No film critic’s going to say it, but Madagascar 3 is better than The Artist, and it’s better because it makes people feel better. That’s ultimately what it boils down to. Carrot Top’s better than Mort Sahl. Is he a better writer? Are we going to jot down Carrot Top’s prose 100 years from now? I’m not saying that. What I’m saying is, Carrot Top makes people feel better than Mort Sahl ever made people feel. [The New York Times, 2012]

Gun Control

  • You don't need no gun control. You know what you need? We need some bullet control. … I think all bullets should cost $5000. $5000 for a bullet. You know why? 'Cause if a bullet costs $5000, there'd be no more innocent bystanders. … Every time someone gets shot, people will be like, 'Damn, he must have did something. He put $50,000 worth of bullets in his ass!' Niggas will say 'I would blow your fucking head off–if I could afford it! I'm gonna get me another job, I'm gonna start saving some money, and then you're dead man!. You better hope I can't get no bullets on layaway!' [Chris Rock: Bigger and Blacker, 1999]
  • I ain't shooting nobody, so call me a faggot. When the war's over, I'll be the faggot with two legs. [Chris Rock: Bigger and Blacker, 1999]
  • I'm watching the news … Tupac Shakur was assassinated, Biggie Smalls assassinated, struck down by assassin's bullets … no, they wasn't. Martin Luther King was assassinated, Malcolm X was assassinated, John F. Kennedy was assassinated. Them two niggas got shot! Shit, I love Tupac, I love Biggie, but school will be open on their birthday. [Chris Rock: Bigger and Blacker, 1999]

Hollywood Studios:

  • You know, studios only wanna make like four movies (a year). One stars Tom Hanks, one stars Tom Cruise, one stars Julia Roberts. Then the fourth one is one they just ended up making. It's like, “We need something for the 4th quarter!” You know what I mean?… So unless you're one of these huge stars, it's really about momentum when you write a movie. You sell your movie, and if you have your director, you can go. If you gotta look for a director, then you're kinda f**ked. And even if you find a director, he's gonna wanna do his rewrite — it adds a year to the process. So this seemed like the quickest way to get it done. [Contact Music, 2003]

John McCain

  • I don't need a president with a bucket list! [Chris Rock: Kill the Messenger, 2008]
  • I don't wanna vote for nobody who got captured, I wanna vote for the motherfucker that got away! [Chris Rock: Kill the Messenger, 2008]

Love

  • If you haven't contemplated murder, you ain't been in love. If you haven't seriously thought about killing a motherfucker, you ain't been in love. If you haven't had a can of rat poison in your hand and looked at it for forty-five minutes straight, you ain't been in love. If you haven't bought a shovel and a bag and a rug to roll their ass up in, you ain't been in love. If you haven't practiced your alibi in front of the mirror, you ain't been in love. And the only thing that's stopped you from killing this motherfucker was a episode of CSI: 'Oh man, they thorough. I better make up. They might catch my ass.' [Chris Rock: Never Scared, 2004]

Marijuana:

  • I’m all for the legalization of weed. I have two daughters, too, but we all know that alcohol is worse and legal. Seth Rogen is a productive member of society. Mel Gibson has a problem. [Vanity Fair, 2012]

Marion Barry

  • Marion Barry was at the Million Man March. That means, even in our finest hour, we still got a crackhead on stage. … How the hell did Marion Barry get his job back? Smoked crack, got his job back. How the hell did that happen? If you get caught smoking crack at McDonald's, you can't get your job back. They're not gonna trust you around the Happy Meals. They'll send your ass to Hardee's. [Chris Rock: Bring the Pain, 1996]

Marriage and Fatherhood

  • It gives you weight and authority. It also makes you closer to the audience because the audience is married and has kids. People without kids know nothing about kids. Jokes about your kids are always better than jokes about your brother’s kids. Married guys know more about women than single guys. Single guys have girlfriends. Girlfriends are always auditioning, always on their best behavior. Wives are like Supreme Court justices—they do whatever the fuck they want. What isn’t O.K. to say onstage? Any of your family’s personal business. No experience that is just theirs. [Vanity Fair, 2012]
  • I'm fortunate. I grew up, two parents, my dad was really into it, so just by osmosis, I'm just really into it. I never really looked at it as a chore or whatever. When I hear people talk about juggling, or the sacrifices they make for their children, I look at them like they're crazy, because “sacrifice” infers that there was something better to do than being with your children. And I've never been with my kids and gone, “Man, I wish I was on my stage right now.” I've never been with my kids and gone, “Man, it'd be so great if I was on a movie set right now.” But I've been doing a movie and wished that I was with my kids, I've been on tour and wished that I was with my kids. Being with my kids is the best, most fun thing, it's a privilege. It's not something I call a sacrifice. [NPR, 2012]

Money

  • My first year on SNL, I made $90,000 dollars. And I bought a red Corvette for $45,000 dollars. I'm thinking, "I've got 45 grand left!" Taxes didn't even come into my equation. At the end of the first year of making 90 grand I was 25, 30 in the hole. We live in this baller, spend-money culture. [Details, 2012]

New York:

  • Unlike in L.A., where everyone is trying to be in show business—you can meet a doctor and he'll be like, "I've got a script"—people in New York are proud to be doing the job they do. I grew up there, I still live nearby, and I'm in a movie this summer called 2 Days in New York. I just dig it. [Oprah, 2012]

OJ Simpson

  • That shit wasn't about race … that shit was about fame. If O.J. wasn't famous, he'd be in jail right now. If O.J. drove a bus, he wouldn't even be O.J. He'd be Orenthal the Bus Driving Murderer. [Chris Rock: Bring the Pain, 1996]

Parenting

  • A bunch of girls say, 'You don't need no man to help you raise no child' … shut the fuck up with that bullshit! Yeah, you could do it without a man, but that don't mean it's to be done! Shit, you can drive a car with your feet if you want to, that don't make it a good fucking idea! [Chris Rock: Bigger and Blacker, 1999]
  • If a kid calls his grandma 'Mommy' and his mama 'Pam', he's going to jail! [Chris Rock: Bigger and Blacker, 1999]
  • If you said more words to him than 'Mommy'll be back,' he might know something! [Chris Rock: Bigger and Blacker, 1999]
  • I mean, they don't grade fathers. But if your daughter's a stripper, you fucked up. [Chris Rock: Never Scared, 2004]

R. Kelly

  • R. Kelly's got a lot of balls. Talking about 'It ain't me.' Got a damn sex tape out; 'It ain't me.' Motherfucker, we know what you look like. That's you, okay? There's a damn Soul Train award right next to the bed. [Chris Rock: Never Scared, 2004]

Racism

  • Black people yelling 'racism!' White people yelling 'reverse racism!' Chinese people yelling 'sideways racism!' And the Indians ain't yelling shit, 'cause they dead. So everybody bitching about how bad their people got it: nobody got it worse than the American Indian. Everyone needs to calm the fuck down. [Chris Rock: Bigger and Blacker, 1999]
  • Nothing more racist than a old black man, you know why? 'Cause the old black man went through some real racism. He ain't go through that 'I can't get a cab' shit. He was the cab! White man just jump on his back, 'Main Street!' [Chris Rock: Bigger and Blacker, 1999]
  • White man makes guns? No problem. Black rapper says 'guns'? Congressional hearing. 'Oh, my God, that nigger said 'gun', and he rhymed it with 'fun'!' [Chris Rock: Never Scared, 2004]
  • If you wanna get away with murder, all you gotta do is shoot somebody in the head and put a demo tape in their pocket! 'This is a rap killing. Let's go home!' [Chris Rock: Never Scared, 2004]
  • I will give you an example of how race affects my life. I live in a place called Alpine, New Jersey. My house costs millions of dollars. Don't hate the player, hate the game. In my neighborhood, there are four black people. Hundreds of houses, four black people. Who are these black people? Well, there's me, Mary J. Blige, Jay Z, and Eddie Murphy. Only black people in the whole neighborhood. So let's break it down, let's break it down: me, I'm a decent comedian. I'm a'ight. Mary J. Blige, one of the greatest R&B singers to ever walk the Earth. Jay Z, one of the greatest rappers to ever live. Eddie Murphy, one of the funniest actors to ever, ever do it. Do you know what the white man who lives next door to me does for a living? He's a fucking dentist! He ain't the best dentist in the world, he ain't going to the dental hall of fame, he don't get plaques for getting rid of plaque. He's just a yank-your-tooth-out dentist. See, the black man gotta fly to get to something the white man can walk to. [Chris Rock: Kill the Messenger, 2008]
  • There's a lot of racism going on. Who's more racist, black people or white people? It's black people! You know why? Because we hate black people too! Everything white people don't like about black people, black people really don't like about black people. [Chris Rock: Bring the Pain, 1996]

Relationships

  • You can be married and bored, or single and lonely. Ain't no happiness nowhere. [Chris Rock: Never Scared, 2004]
  • Fellas, when you wake up in the morning, you should look yourself in the mirror and say, 'FUCK YOU! Fuck your hopes, fuck your dreams, fuck your plans … fuck everything you thought this life was going to bring to you. Now let's go out there and try to make this bitch happy.' [Chris Rock: Never Scared, 2004]

School

  • Community college is like a disco with books: 'Here's ten dollars; let me get my learn on!' [Chris Rock: Bring the Pain, 1996]
  • You know what GED stands for? Good Enough Diploma. [Chris Rock: Bring the Pain, 1996]

Self-doubt

  • There's doubt the whole time. One of the best compliments I ever got was Conan saying to me, "You know what I like about you? You're smart enough to be scared. So many guys come on cocky, they don't want to go over their stuff, they don't want to do a pre-interview. You're always smart enough to be worried till the last minute." That will not stop. You get some guys who get all cocky and they fall right on their fucking face. [Esquire, 2011]

Siegfried & Roy

  • That tiger ain't go crazy; that tiger went tiger! You know when he was really crazy? When he was riding around on a unicycle with a Hitler helmet on! [Chris Rock: Never Scared, 2004]

Sports

  • Black people dominate sports in the United States. We're 10% of the population, we're 90% of the Final Four. [Chris Rock: Never Scared, 2004]

Standup

  • I don't believe I can offend you in a comedy club. I don't believe I can offend you in a concert. A comedy club is a place where you work out material, you're trying material. Louis C.K., Tosh, any of these guys, it costs $80-$100 to see them. If you're in a club, and you pay $12, and a superstar comedian comes in there trying out his jokes — you know, that's like the first draft to a book, or a movie that's not cut, it's just not to be judged for the masses. This guy is trying out stuff. I think that's the deal that's made when you see a famous guy in one of these clubs. [NPR, 2012]
  • When you’re workshopping it, a lot of stuff is bumpy and awkward. Especially when you’re working on the edge, you’re going to offend. A guy like Tosh, he’s at the Laugh Factory. He’s making no money. He’s essentially in the gym. You’re mad at Ray Leonard because he’s not in shape, in the gym? That’s what the gym’s for. The sad thing, with all this taping and stuff, no one’s going to do stand-up. And every big stand-up I talk to says: “How do I work out new material? Where can you go, if I have a half an idea and then it’s on the Internet next week?” Just look at some of my material. You can’t imagine how rough it was and how unfunny and how sexist or racist it might have seemed.“Niggas vs. Black People” probably took me six months to get that thing right. You know how racist that thing was a week in? That’s not to be seen by anybody. [The New York Times, 2012]
  • There are a lot of good comics out there, no doubt, but as far as the quality of the comics goes, I think what you have is a bunch of situational comics. What we have now is black comics that work only black crowds, gay comics that do only gay crowds, and southern comics that only work down South, and so on with Asian, Latino, Indian, midgets, etc. The previous generation’s comics were better because they had to make everybody laugh.[Vanity Fair, 2012]

Social Security

  • You don't get the money 'til you're 65, meanwhile the average black man dies at 54. Shit, we should get Social Security at 29. [Chris Rock: Bigger and Blacker, 1999]

The Tea Party

  • Kids always act up the most before they go to sleep. And when I see the Tea Party and all this stuff, it actually feels like racism's almost over. Because this is the last — this is the act up before the sleep. They're going crazy. They're insane. You want to get rid of them — and the next thing you know, they're fucking knocked out. And that's what's going on in the country right now. [Esquire, 2011]
  • Dude, being the first black anything sucks. But the country was in shambles, and he's cleaning it up. If you properly clean a room, it gets dirtier before it gets cleaner. Ever come back to your hotel room before the maids are finished? My God! Republicans are complaining. Romney's complaining. But Romney's rich. He doesn't know shit about cleaning. [Details, 2012]

Women

  • It's hard for a man to turn down sex … if they chase us, we can't run that fast. [Chris Rock: Bigger and Blacker, 1999]
  • Every woman in here … every guy you met has been trying to fuck you. That's right. Women are offered dick every day. Every woman in here … gets offered dick at least three times a week. Three times a day, shit! That's right, every time a man's being nice to you … all he's doing is offering dick. That's all it is. 'Can I get that for you? – How about some dick?' 'Could I help you with that? – Could I help you to some dick?Do you need some dick?' [Chris Rock: Bigger and Blacker, 1999]
  • Men lie the most, women tell the biggest lies … a man's lie is, 'I'm at Tony's house, I'm at Kenny's house!' A woman lie is like, 'It's your baby!' [Chris Rock: Bigger and Blacker, 1999]
  • Women hate women. You get any two girlfriends in this room, been girlfriends for twenty five years, you put a man in between them … 'fuck that bitch,' 'fuck that bitch.' Guys are not like that. Guys actually think that there are other fish in the sea, and if a guy introduces his boy to his new girlfriend, and when they walk away, his boy goes, 'Oh man, she's nice, I gotta get me a girl like that.' If a woman introduces her new man to her girlfriend, and they walk away, her girlfriend goes, 'I gotta get him, and I will slit that bitch's throat to do it.' Every girl in here got a girlfriend they don't trust around their man. [Chris Rock: Never Scared, 2004]
  • Chris Cock

    Realistic version of the collected "wisdom" of Chris Rock – an empty page. Not funny, not witty.

    • hermano

      I'm amazed that someone can read that and say there's no wit.

    • Frank

      You are an empty page of intelligence

    • Louis C(oc)K

      If someone had the wit to come up with "Chris Cock" we should probably all listen to their opinion!

    • Adam Kontras

      I'm not sure you can actually read.

  • Nate

    Thank you so much for not using the word 'annotated'!