Splitsider

Tuesday, September 3rd, 2013

Would You Want to Be Roasted? Asking Bill Hader, Paul Scheer, Pete Holmes, and More

With last night's James Franco roast falling more in the tradition of classic roasts, we at Splitsider feel there's reason to be optimistic that upcoming Comedy Central's roasts will be fun, personal affairs rather than mean-spirited skewerings of unlikeable reality show stars. With that in mind, we decided to ask some of our favorite comedians and actors if they would be interested in being roasted, who they would want up on dais, and what faults of theirs would be put on display. Here's what they had to say:

Paul Scheer
Would you want be roasted?
No! I feel like performers are already insecure, we pretty much roast ourselves privately in our heads everyday. It just seems masochistic to get up their and make people point out your shortcomings. To make matters worse, you have to seem like you are enjoying it and I don't really think anyone really is.

Who would you want to roast you?
But if I was to be roasted, I'd pick a really nice panel: Joel Osteen, Mother Theresa, Oprah Winfrey and Tony Robbins. At least they've be giving me self improvement tips along with the roast.

What do you think the focus of most of the jokes would be?
Oh man, you are making it me do exactly what my worst fear is. You can't trick me. Basically roasts are about the most obvious thing people can find about you – you're fat, you're a drunk, you're (fill in an ethnicity). So I guess for me the easiest target would be that I'm married to Pam Anderson, I've been in rehab a few times, I was busted with cocaine and that I'm an Asian American.

NTSF:SD:SUV:: airs every Thursday night at 12:15AM on Adult Swim and The League airs Wednesdays on FXX at 10:30PM. You can also see Paul re-enact classic interviews from The Arsenio Hall Show on his web series, "The Arscheerio Paul Show."

Paul F. Tompkins
Would you want be roasted?
Does it mean I get to be on television? KEEP TALKING.

If so, who would you want to roast you?
A bunch of super-famous people who are all uglier than me. This is non-negotiable. All uggos or I walk.

What do you think the focus of most of the jokes would be?
Probably it'd be stuff like, "We all know how Paul is an empty human being, but did you also know he likes to watch stuff burn?"

"Speakeasy with Paul F. Tompkins" can be found on Paul's YouTube channel.

Pete Holmes
Would you want be roasted?
Absolutely. Anyone can say something nice, but it takes true friends to humiliate you to your core. Anyone who says they don't want to be roasted doesn't understand the time-honored tradition and cathartic release of having people say things they'd normally only say behind your back in a public, safe forum. It's the closest thing we have to an Aztec Virgin Sacrifice.

Who would you want to roast you?
I think Chelsea Peretti could handle the first forty minutes all by herself. Nick Kroll, John Mulaney, Kumail Nanjiani and T.J. Miller could finish the job nicely. Most of my friends really enjoy mocking me. The jokes on them, though, because I love it. It's direct, specific attention! HA! Suck it! Oh, and [Marc] Maron. Maron could turn me into rubble.

What do you think the focus of most of the jokes would be?
Honestly, what's there to roast about a divorced, self-obsessed, new age-y, vegan-ish man who looks like Renee Zellweger with down syndrome?

The Pete Holmes Show premieres October 28 at midnight, and will air four nights a week after Conan on TBS.

T.J. Miller
Would you want be roasted?
Hell yeah! I would prefer to be broasted but who wants to spend the time.

Who would you want to roast you?
Pete Holmes, [Anthony] Jeselnik, Nick Vatterott, Andy Kindler, Tig [Notaro], Doug Benson, Eli Olsberg, the Chi-Town crew. You know.

If not, why not?
Because I think no one has anything bad to say. In Hollywood. Ever. About me. Ever.

Either way, what do you think the focus of most of the jokes would be?
That I'm a disaster and a maniac. And I do shit work and worse standup….

Info on T.J.'s tour dates can be found at tjmillerdoesnothaveawebsite.com Season 1 and 2 of "The Gorburger Show" can be found on YouTube, his podcast Cashing In With T.J. Miller comes out every Tuesday on Nerdist.

Bill Hader
Would you want be roasted?
I would not like to be roasted simply because mine would be boring. James [Franco] has had such an eclectic career it lent itself to a roast. Me, not so much.

What do you think the focus of most of the jokes would be?
I got hit for those T-mobile commercials [at the Franco roast]. Sarah [Silverman] and Jonah [Hill] had great bits on them, and Jeff Ross made fun of my lazy eye, which was hilarious. I was laughing like Sammy Davis Jr in the old Dean Martin Roast. My dad was thrilled. "Jeff Ross had a joke about you in the roast?! What an honor!"