Splitsider

Friday, December 27th, 2013

Mattress World Commercial, by Blythe Roberson

When you walk into a conventional mattress store, it’s really not about you. It’s about, here are our mattresses, would you like to buy one?

At our store, it’s all about you. What is your favorite book? Who is your celebrity crush? Put your iPod on shuffle: What are the first six songs that come up?

Don’t look at our mattresses yet!  You’ve had a rough day, you need to de-stress. Sit down for a massage. Wow, those hands are magic! Is that a masseuse? No, it’s Gary, the guy who delivers our mattresses.

Are you hungry? Here’s some celery and some chocolate. No, don’t eat the celery. We just read all these studies that said chocolate is super-healthy; it has antioxidants or something. So eat as much chocolate as you want.

What do you value most highly about yourself—intelligence? Well, we think you’re really smart. You’re like the smartest person we’ve ever met. God, we wish we were half as smart as you.

While other mattress stores are telling you about quilting and Presidents Day sales, we tell you that Gary can babysit your kids. We’re throwing you a party at our store so you can finally wear that nice dress you bought. We’ll listen to all your favorite *NSYNC songs, but don’t worry, we’ll throw in a slow dance or two.

Oh no, did our party make you tired? Take a nap! It’s okay, the employees sleep here all the time. There you go. Mmm. Doesn’t that feel nice? That’s a Tempur-Pedic Cloud Luxe mattress. Shhh, we can talk about it when you wake up.

 

Blythe Roberson is a writer and improviser living in New York.

The Humor Section features a piece of original humor writing each week. To submit, send an email to Brian Boone.