Splitsider

Monday, December 23rd, 2013

Welcome to My Football Party, by Patrick Walczy

Hey, Jeff! Come on in! You’re just in time, man, the game’s about to start. By the way, how do we know when the game’s about to start? I’m messing with you, bro. I know it’s when that little guy makes the kickoff. So glad the wives suggested this while they do their Sunday shopping. Don’t get me wrong, I love me some Sunday shopping, but bro time is important too, and that’s according to a recent study at Princeton’s Behavioral Science Institute. Looks like you could use a cold one. Here you go. It’s a kale smoothie with four scoops of protein powder. Gameday? More like Gamewhey, mother farmer. Whoo! Let’s head to the sitting room, everybody’s in there.

Hey guys, look who’s here. Oh! Let’s do a quick icebreaker. How about "Bake, Sauté, or Pan Sear"? I’ll go first. Someone give me one. No, Keith, "shut the hell up so I can watch the game" isn’t a food so it doesn’t work. Anybody? Okay, maybe at the halftime. Hey, Keith, could you do me a favor and slide over on the chaise lounge so Jeff here can sit down? Don’t give me that look, Mr. Funny Man. I’ve got enough throw pillows for everyone.

C’mon guys, eat up. I made the hummus this morning in our new Vitamix. I gotta tell you, it’s so much more than a blender. It’s really a lifestyle. Hey, Keith, hey. Could you put a coaster down under your beer? Here you go. Sorry, but that’s an antique table. No, they’re not penises, they’re Italian pan flutes. We got it when we were in Tuscany. But speaking of penises, how about some guy talk? Has anyone masturbated recently? Show of hands? C’mon, put them where I can see them. Haha. Well, I’m on quite a bit of a dry spell myself. There was some sort of snag at the post office and we haven’t received a J.Crew catalog in over two weeks. Ugh. I mean, have you seen the new Ludlow Club Blazer? Patch pockets and brass buttons? Uhhh…Boing-oing-oing! So hard, right guys?

I guess the game started. Boy, do I have a song to pump us up. Here we go, let me turn this jam up. Yeah! You guys like it? Don’t be shy, you know the words. “Throw your clothes, on the floor, I’m gonna take my clothes off too.” C’mon! It’s Boyz II Men's “I’ll Make Love to You.” Okay, okay, fine, no music. Jeez.

What? Did something good just happen? Is that why you guys are having a high-five? I want in on that, big time. Let me just light these candles and I’ll be right over. Smell that? Mmmm. It’s Morning Meadow. We got it at this cool little farmer’s market during the wine tasting Angie and I did last weekend. You guys totally missed out. I was the mayor of Autumn Grape Harvest City. The tannins, man, really complex tastes.

Did they do a touchdown? Oh boy, that’s great news, huh? Here, here, I made shots. Everybody take one. Down the hatch! What do you mean, "what is it?" It’s a gazpacho shot! Yeah, garnished with a watermelon wedge for a little sweetness at the end there. Oh my god, do you wanna get weird and do another one? Maybe have another smoothie and post my grandmother’s gnocchi recipe on Pintersest? We’re animals!

Hey! Where are you guys going? Come back! I’m about to make a carafe of low-cal Bellinis. You think you can get that at Hooters? Fine! I’ll just watch the big game all by myself then. Shit! Wait! Someone show me how to change the channel to Food Network.


Patrick Walczy is a writer and comedian living in…wait…sorry, hold on (What? What do you mean, "don’t put that"? What the hell should I say you do? No. Because I’m pretty sure Couch Dorito Sheriff isn’t a real thing).

The Humor Section features a piece of original humor writing each week. To submit, send an email to Brian Boone.