Splitsider

Monday, January 27th, 2014

How Are We Supposed to Get Away from These Mobsters in the Midst of a Chinese New Year Parade? by Tim Sampson

Perfect! Just perfect! And here I thought we were finally in the clear. After all, we managed to escape from that abandoned warehouse and outrun those Mafia goons for 16 blocks. But just when it seemed like our getaway was assured, we run right smack dab into the middle of this massive Chinese New Year Parade.

How the heck are we supposed to find a way out of here?

I mean, can you believe our luck? Like we didn't have it hard enough already today, untying ourselves from those chairs and climbing through that air duct. Now we're standing in the middle of Chinatown amidst a massive street festival ushering in the Year of the Horse. We've got nowhere to hide!

Hey! Stop looking at that giant, multi-person dragon float weaving its way through the street and help me figure a way out of this jam.

Look. Your guess is as good as mine about how we ended up with that briefcase full of diamonds. One minute we're trying to catch a cab downtown for the marketing convention, the next thing you know a couple of guys in pinstripe suits are shoving us into the back of a black town car and waving guns in our faces.

Hey, genius! Now's not the time to be looking at that unguarded wardrobe full of silk Daxiushan gowns as well as traditional makeup and wigs. Those guys will catch up to us any minute. We need a low-key way to blend into this crowd—effectively disappearing in plain sight.

Fortunately, we bought ourselves some time back in the alley, tripping the gangsters with those garbage cans. And ducking through that busy restaurant kitchen was a smart move. But now it seems like we may be at the end of the line. Can you believe our timing? The day two mobsters chase us into Chinatown is the day they just happen to be throwing this parade. What are the chances?

Would you please get that antique Guizhou mask out of your face and try to help me come up with some sort of solution? Could you just do that for me? Criminy!

I know this is a sticky situation. I think it's safe to classify ourselves as a couple of "mild-mannered" guys when it comes to these sort of capers and plots. We caught a lucky break back in the shopping mall when those big galoots tried to run down the up escalator, but luck alone won't get us out of this situation. We're going to need cunning and guile! We need to quickly absorb all the details of our present situation and come up with an unorthodox solution to get out of here. It's got to be something really imaginative and — wait, what are we supposed to do with that crate full of fireworks? How does that help us? Am I the only one trying to get us out of this perilous predicament?

Wait! I got it! It's so obvious. Oh man, how did I not think of this before! The answer was right in front of me the entire time. I feel like such an idiot. All we have to do is switch glasses. Here, you give me yours, and I'll give you mine and…voilà! We look like two completely different people! We couldn't look more unlike ourselves if we put on those costumes of Houtu, the Chinese deity of earth and soil, that just happens to be hanging over there. Phew! We got out of this one by the skins of our teeth—no thanks to you I might add.

Ha! Here come those two mafia enforcers. They just turned the corner, see? In a couple seconds they'll come barging right past like a couple of chumps. They'll never spot us. Yep, I think it's smooth sailing from here…

Tim Sampson is a writer and journalist from Austin, Texas. He is a headline contributor for The Onion. Wired has called his Twitter account the definitive source for photos of Tim Sampson's cats.

The Humor Section features a piece of original humor writing each week. To submit, send an email to Brian Boone.

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