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Wednesday, January 1st, 2014

Jane Austen Responds to Spam, by Daniel Hurwitz

Subject: GOOD NEWS TO SHARE WITH YOU!!
From: David david@freeipad.org
To: Jane Austen

Hi Friend!

OH MY GOSH! I know I shouldn't talk about this here, but I thought I would message you from my new APPLE iPad that I just got for free. Don't tell anyone but there is a website sending out a free iPad to anyone that signs up, www.freeipad.info. That is where I got mine btw follow these steps exactly to get one for yourself, go to www.freeipad.info enter you email, enter your shipping address and wait 3-5 business days to receive your it in the mail! it works!!

David.

Subject: Re: GOOD NEWS TO SHARE WITH YOU!!
From: Jane Austen
To: David david@freeipad.org

My dearest David,

I thank you for this letter which brings joy on a dreary Monday morning spent in reflection and rumination. I have taken to many words to show my appreciation.

The wine I drank with Lady Rivers this evening very well may be clouding my judgement, but you express so little anxiety and so much gaiety in your letter that I am tempted to act upon it. A life with a free iPad! How exciting! Last weekend Rosalie Luckinbill spoke with high praise for her brand new iPad. I do not like Rosalie Luckinbill, and I was determined not to like her most recent purchase. The iPad, however, is not just a bigger iPhone as I suspected.

The eagerness with which you plan to deliver this free Apple iPad may dwindle with the news of how my friend, Mr. Gillian Trickelbank, and I behaved at the Heathcoate ball last night. Imagine everything most shocking and profligate in the way of standing up and sitting down together. This morning Mr. Trickelbank’s servant informed me that he plans to visit my estate in Steventon in the coming week. What an imprudent scheme! While I assure you he is a noble and agreeable man, whose eyes are as handsome as ever, I am ashamed of him coming home to Steventon.

Mr. Trickelbank brings no such free iPad in his tow. It is you, David, and your free iPad, I wish to visit me at my Steventon estate. How I wish you sent me news of this free iPad prior to the ball. I could have avoided Mr. Trickelbank’s advances and the forthcoming precarious situation.

The wine still governs my thoughts, but the more I write, the more I long for a free iPad. I fear I cannot wait the three to five business days to receive it. Upon receiving this letter, I urge you to meet me in the soonest hour at the Pennycock estate with your free iPad in tow. I will depart as soon as I shall drop this letter at the post. Please allow me two business days for my travels as I have had a cold and am currently recovering from a weakness in my limbs. I pray that my longing for the Apple iPad will carry me on my way. The prospect of attending the Huntsley ball next weekend with you and your free iPad excites me! Let us go on our way despite the efforts of Mr. Trickelbank. You, me, and our free iPad!

Give my compliments to Miss Finch. I was not able to access the link in your email but I pray my actions be sufficient in order to attain my free iPad.

Yours very affectionately,

Jane

Daniel Hurwitz is a writer and person in New York. He also produces a monthly stand-up comedy show in his apartment.

The Humor Section features a piece of original humor writing each week. To submit, send an email to Brian Boone.