Literary Birth Complications, by Dan Rozier
A Huckleberry Fin
Good News: It’s a boy!
Bad News: It’s a boy with a full-grown killer whale dorsal fin.
Humbert Humbert’s Disease Disease
Good News: Twins!
Bad News: One twin was born much, much older than the other.
Reverse Rapunzel Condition
Good News: Your child wasn’t taken away and raised by a witch.
Bad News: You’re the proud parents of a completely hairless, basement dwelling, 25-year-old male.
Catcher in the Stye
Good News: You’ve got yourself a real, genuine baby.
Bad News: Over time, dozens of internal sties will cause your child to have a permanent eye roll. No cure.
Code: Robin Hood
Good News: You have a beautiful newborn child!
Bad News: Your bundle of joy is what’s known in the medical community as “stolen.”
The Old Man and the C-section
Good News: There’s absolutely nothing wrong with your baby.
Bad News: Due to a mix-up in the staff schedule, your cesarean section was performed by an old fisherman. Long story short, things got messy and now the hospital is infested with sharks. You and your family are in terrible danger.
Tiny Tim’s Big Condition
Good News: A heart of gold.
Bad News: Actual gold.
Good News: You’re grandparents!
Bad News: The light of your life was born unmarried and with a child of its own. Good luck with your slutty baby.
Oliver Twist Cancer
Good News: Technically, your baby will never die.
Bad News: You gave birth to a perfectly healthy, 2.5-ounce cinnamon twist doughnut.
Dan Rozier is an advertising copywriter. His work has been featured in McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, Thought Catalog, your spam folder, and the side of the highway. He tweets at @barf_city.
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