Splitsider

Monday, February 24th, 2014

Butterfly Tour, by Blythe Roberson

Hello Butterfly Enthusiasts! Welcome to Butterfly Landing. Please be sure to close the first door of the lock chamber before opening the second. Don’t let any butterflies out, and don’t let any moths in!

Butterflies are awake during the day, which is just one of the many ways butterflies are like humans (smart, cool) and unlike moths (just the true worst). Butterflies develop symbiotic relationships, or “best friendships forever,” with ants. A natural defense mechanism common in butterflies is, when threatened, repeating what the other butterfly said in a dumb moth voice.

Butterflies and their delicate beauty are a symbol for the soul in Western literature. Moth larvae eat your sweaters.

In the corner you can spy a Queen Alexandra’s Birdwing, which is the world’s largest butterfly, and in my experience, the world’s best listener. We used to have a bunch of the world’s smallest butterfly, but a moth mistook them for miniature sweaters and ate them.

Moths can’t tell the difference between the moon and a light bulb, which is why they waste all their time flying in circles around lamps like losers. Butterflies feed primarily on flowers, which is almost too cute but butterflies pull it off.

The state butterfly here in Wisconsin is the Mourning Cloak, thanks to my extensive letter-writing campaign.  The state butterfly of New Jersey is the mosquito, as a joke.

It is a common belief that butterflies have very short life spans; in reality they have been known to live just long enough to make friends with me, or about a year. Moths on the other hand probably live like two days, you know what I’m talking about? God, what idiots.

Blythe Roberson is a writer and improviser living in New York.

The Humor Section features a piece of original humor writing each week. To submit, send an email to Brian Boone.