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A lot of Twitter users take to the platform to test out their latest jokes and quips, but certain people truly excel at making us laugh with the available characters and constraints. With the Internet being such a big place, it can be difficult to find the comedians most worthy of your RTs and favs. Each Friday we feature one person whose consistent short-form online humor deserves your attention and to be on your Twitter feed.
This week, we're recommending the Twitter feed of LA-based humor writer Alli Reed. She has written for Cracked and is the West Coast Editor of the literary magazine Neutrons/Protons. Reed recently received a lot of internet buzz for creating "the worst online dating profile ever." And based on these hilarious tweets, we're predicting that she's a comedic entity to look out for.
"Happy Valentine's! I got you these." "You got me…chalk?" "Do you love me?" "Yes, but-" "Prove it. Eat the chalk." -Origin of candy hearts
— Alli Reed (@alliperson) February 13, 2014
New Images from Hubble Space Telescope Reveal Space Still Awesome as Hell "I mean, can you even believe this shit," confirms NASA — Alli Reed (@alliperson) February 4, 2014
I wasn’t big on Barbie as a kid because I can’t identify with someone whose dream house has three closets and zero velociraptor paddocks. — Alli Reed (@alliperson) February 3, 2014
“I may not like what you say, but I'll defend to the death your right to say it" sounded a lot more noble to me before I discovered twitter.
— Alli Reed (@alliperson) January 22, 2014
There's 3 types of people: those who can count, those who use old setups for an easy punchline, & those who deliver on the original premise.
— Alli Reed (@alliperson) January 6, 2014
It's a shame the OJ Simpson trial happened 10 years before twitter was around – think of all those great orange juice puns we missed out on — Alli Reed (@alliperson) December 23, 2013
"Raindrops are God's tears and clouds are his cataracts and hail is his skin tags" -from my upcoming kids' book "Weather Is Fucking Gross" — Alli Reed (@alliperson) December 20, 2013
I don’t trust animals, you never know what they’re thinking. Maybe that pigeon hates your new haircut. Squirrels? Tiny racists, I bet.
— Alli Reed (@alliperson) December 16, 2013
We call ourselves an advanced civilization and yet there are only, like, EIGHT foods we put frosting on
— Alli Reed (@alliperson) December 9, 2013
Comedy = tragedy + tiny dogs in people clothes — Alli Reed (@alliperson) November 22, 2013
Now that newspapers and maps don’t exist, I have to carry this fitted sheet everywhere to impress dudes with how good I am at folding stuff — Alli Reed (@alliperson) November 15, 2013
On Bringing Your Guitar to a Party: A Flow Chart Are you good? / \ Yes No \ / Don’t bring your fucking guitar to a party
— Alli Reed (@alliperson) November 7, 2013
Consult a medical professional if your Donny Darko phase lasts for longer than six months
— Alli Reed (@alliperson) October 29, 2013
My internal flirting monologue: •I bet that guy wants to know about the making of Jurassic Park! •He did not want that •Can I go home yet — Alli Reed (@alliperson) September 25, 2013
“My nose was actually your thumb the whole time!” His uncle watches young M. Night cackle, unnerved. It's too late. The seeds are sown.
— Alli Reed (@alliperson) September 20, 2013
My liberal arts degree gave me a lot of skills I use in my current job; for example, "incubating a quiet, mounting resentment" and "sitting"
— Alli Reed (@alliperson) September 19, 2013
It's like this bar took everything I hate about leaving my apartment and made it sticky
— Alli Reed (@alliperson) September 14, 2013
Looks like somebody's got a case of the Mondays! Wait, sorry, this doctor's handwriting is awful. Somebody's got a case of Type II diabetes.
— Alli Reed (@alliperson) September 7, 2013
It's a really cute story how we met! You tell it, babe. Wait, no, let me tell it. He yelled "AY GIRL YOU GOT A NICE MOUTH" from a moving car
— Alli Reed (@alliperson) August 28, 2013
Why waste money on a child leash when your kid can grow a rattail for free? Plus, no one wants to steal a kid with a rattail. Two birds.
— Alli Reed (@alliperson) July 8, 2013