A Guide to Your Favorite Late Night and Sketch TV Writers on Twitter
There are tons of great late night and sketch comedy shows on television these days, and behind each one is a staff of writers hard at work to ensure their respective late night host or starring cast puts on the funniest and most finely tuned performance possible. We’re in the midst of a rerun week for shows like Conan, SNL, and The Daily Show, so with that in mind, here’s a complete writing staff breakdown of some of the best sketch and late night shows on TV, including a handy guide to whose Twitter feeds you can invade to get your minute-by-minute comedy fix.
Man, what I wouldn’t give for a million bucks and couple new sports cars right now.
— Mike Hanford (@MikeHanford) December 17, 2013
Hard to believe that just one year ago, I referred to every pen as an ‘ultimate pencil’
— Jefferson Dutton (@jeffersondutton) September 22, 2012
They should remake The Cable Guy, but instead hes raised online and always quoting YouTube videos and also no one stops him from killing himself
— Mike Mitchell (@BDayBoysMitch) February 16, 2014
to properly succeed in business, you must first grasp the many ways that your business goals are like a basketball. first: watch them bounce — Rob Dubbin (@robdubbin) March 15, 2014
Does anyone else feel guilty when u throw away photo Xmas cards? I just threw a set of twins in the trash can.
— Meredith Scardino (@scardinoandsons) March 8, 2014
Of course Lincoln would have done Between Two Ferns! Probably to promote the movie “Lincoln.”
— Scott Aukerman (@ScottAukerman) March 12, 2014
Little tip everyone… if you agree to substitute teach your friend’s ballet class… the “t” in ballet is silent!
— Paul Rust (@paulrust) March 19, 2014
Everyone in Dave & Busters has their phones buzz at once. There’s an emergency notice: “Cool Dude Alert”. I walk through the door
— Nick Wiger (@nickwiger) March 19, 2014
Andres du Bouchet
I can’t wait to get out of my “Cathy” cartoon phase and into my “Maxine” cartoon phase
— Jessie Gaskell (@jessiestwats) March 11, 2014
My brother would’ve been 46 today. If I had a brother.
— Michael Gordon (@betelmoose) March 17, 2014
“Mark my words,” I told the highlighter.
— Josh Comers (@joshcomers) March 13, 2014
I’d rather be a comedian than a parent, because you can’t punch up a baby.
— Matt Koff (@mattkoff) March 12, 2014
Girl, you must be MH370 because I couldn’t figure out the signals you were giving me and then you disappeared.
— Daniel Radosh (@danielradosh) March 15, 2014
Pro tip: if you’re singing “Dust in the Wind” to yourself and it’s making you blue, try replacing the lyrics with “Dicks in a Bag” — Owen Parsons (@owenBparsons) February 27, 2014
Inside Amy Schumer
Did you know: 1 in 4 businessmen you see in New York is actually an actor on their way to a Good Wife audition?
— Jeremy Beiler (@jeremybeiler) March 11, 2014
You’re supposed to keep underwear until its tattered like a pirate flag, right?
— Jessi Klein (@jessirklein) March 6, 2014
Jesus, 6 hours of watching MSNBC anchors back to back looks exactly like time lapse footage of a lesbian aging. — Kurt Metzger (@kurtmetzger) February 21, 2014
Grown women wearing rompers in my field of vision, I want to thank you for helping me practice acceptance, non-judgment, and patience. — Christine Nangle (@nanglish) March 17, 2014
Retweet if you live in a cul-de-sac! #SacLife
— Gary Greenberg (@heresgary) January 6, 2013
Had a really fucked up dream that I was happy and satisfied and generally at peace.
— Bess Kalb (@bessbell) March 13, 2014
Twitter is exactly what our parents fear we’re doing with our lives.
— Jeff Loveness (@JeffLoveness) March 16, 2014
Everyone please keep me in your prayers. I’m not sick or anything. I just like the idea of people whispering my name before bed.
— Danny Ricker (@dannyricker) March 5, 2014
Describe a giraffe to a friend, and I think we’ll all agree that they’re the most insane animals on the planet.
— Phil Augusta Jackson (@PhilAugustaJ) January 11, 2014
Still haven’t totally given up my dream of being a famous 12-year-old novelist.
— Alex Rubens (@atrubens) March 16, 2014
Ventriloquism is the art form that seems to shout “My parents argued a lot!!!”
— Jordan Peele (@JordanPeele) March 17, 2014
“Doing a good job of pacing yourself on these chicken wings. Proud of you” -me 2 myself 2 mins ago.
— Ronald Funches (@RonFunches) March 17, 2014
AMBER ALERT: Tamblyn to star alongside Bob Odenkirk in new film
— Carol Kolb (@carolkolb) March 10, 2014
Daughter’s sweet 16 is starting. I was not invited; my presence was a precondition. Little does she suspect I will be the life of the party. — John Levenstein (@johnlevenstein) March 16, 2014
“I thought I’d lost you,” she whispered to her carton milk that didn’t expire for two more days.
— Alison Agosti (@AlisonAgosti) March 11, 2014
Do you ever feel like you’re all alone and there’s no one around to turn to for help? Don’t worry. It goes away once you leave Home Depot. — Bryan Donaldson (@TheNardvark) March 15, 2014
My childhood was like home alone except my patents were always home & we didnt have name brand pop & way more violent & I blocked it all out — Conner O’Malley (@conner_omalley) March 12, 2014
I think the reason college grads have a hard time finding a job is bc there aren’t a lot of entry level president of the company positions
— Michelle Wolf (@michelleisawolf) March 8, 2014
Just spotted a post-it near my bed that says “Wish I’d written down that funny thought.”
— Chris Carmona (@CarmonaPlus) February 22, 2014
Any pilots out there about groups of late 20-something friends looking for love? Preferably whites? — Chris Kula (@chriskula) February 25, 2014
Accidentally logged out of my ex-boyfriend’s Netflix account and I can’t remember the password so Im officially single !
— shelby fero (@shelbyfero) March 18, 2014
What's the kind of racism where you think every old man is Richard Dreyfuss?
— Alex Blagg (@alexblagg) March 8, 2014
If I danced like no one was watching, I would probably just be like “Oh, nobody’s watching?” and go masturbate.
— Nate Fernald (@natefernald) March 5, 2014
Older women say they feel invisible, which honestly sounds kinda great. You lost getting hollered at, but you gained A SUPERPOWER.
— Jamie Lee (@TheJamieLee) March 19, 2014
Interesting fact: Did you know a lot of world problems could be solved if people just stopped giving a shit?
— Dan Klein (@danklein_is_fat) February 23, 2014
Sometimes I half expect my plate of food to speak up and plaintively ask why I never take its picture.
— Carrie Brownstein (@Carrie_Rachel) March 4, 2014
If humans evolved in a zero gravity environment I think we’d look less like apes and more like… just a spray I guess
— Graham Wagner (@GrahamStWagner) February 17, 2014
life is short. so enjoy what you can while youre here. cause pretty soon, ur going to hell. and ull regret not taking this time to be happy.
— Michael Che (@CheThinks) March 13, 2014
Skinny lady girdle panties are great to roast a quail in. — Paula Pell (@perlapell) March 18, 2014
I wonder if Othello’s wife ever seductively patted the bed and said “There’s room for one Moor.” — Sarah Schneider (@sarahschneider) July 24, 2013
WTF?! When did my favorite soap “The Cusp of Menopause” get cancelled?!
— A.D. Miles (@80miles) March 16, 2014
TAX QUESTION: Does clicking Like on my friend’s shitty web series count as a charitable deduction?
— Jess Dweck (@TheDweck) March 11, 2014
You didn’t “run” a marathon in 7 hours. You shuffled. Congrats on being the most athletic zombie. — Luke Cunningham (@LukeXCunningham) March 16, 2014
I’m wearing socks with sandals tonight. Fuck you, world; I’m turning 30 tomorrow! — Mike Drucker (@MikeDrucker) March 15, 2014