Splitsider

Tuesday, March 11th, 2014

Quotes from Lori's Goodbye Card on Her Last Day at Paramount Diagnostics, by Ryan Krebs

“All the best!” – Mike, Sales

“Lori, you’ll be missed! Who am I going to high-five when the Molson Files are done every Wednesday??? HA!” – Linda, Billing

“Seems like just yesterday you sat down across from me at your cubicle, ready to start in the high-stakes world of Customer Service. Look at you now! Big time! Congrats on the promotion and don’t forget about us little people!” –Barb, Customer Service

“Way to go!” –Dennis, Maintenance

“Sad to see you go! (But not sad for the going away party! We love cake, and don’t you know it! Of course you do! Karen’s 45th birthday ring a bell??? )” – Linda, Billing

“Hopefully now that you’re higher-up, you can help us peons! I kid! You’ve earned the big office downtown. We’ll really, really miss you.” – Barb, Customer Service

“I’ve really enjoyed working with you, Lori! You’ve been a grea…” – Carla, Reception

“Haha, I’m still going to come find you when the Molson Files come in on Wednesdays! Can’t let Sampson reach the drop box first or YOU KNOW WHAT!!! HAHA! Oh Lor, I’ll miss these inside jokes!” – Linda, Billing

“Let’s meet for lunch sometime after you get settled in! I want to hear all about it. And find out how your interview for the job went! I was surprised I didn’t even get a callback even though I’ve been here longer! Sorry, that sounds bitter. I’m not! You earned it, girl!” – Barb, Customer Service

“Take care” – Joe, Logistics

“I feel like this is a bad dream! We can’t be losing our ‘Lava-pants Lori!’ Hahahahahaha! Remember that???? This is just too much. You can’t really be leaving us, you’ll miss all this fun!” – Linda, Billing

“It’s not like I was only here a couple months longer than you. I already had 5 years put in before you showed up. And I’m the one who trained you, so part of that promotion is mine if you think about it. I’ll expect a cut of that paycheck, missy!” – Barb, Customer Service

“Enjoy the new gig.” – Andy, Network Systems

“Sorry this is so short, this card doesn’t seem like it’s being fairly passed arou..” – Carla, Reception

“I won’t believe you’re leaving until I come to the office and see your desk empty. I just won’t! In fact, let’s make plans for Monday since you’ll definitely be here. I’ll bring in donuts (yes, chocolate rainbow sprinkles! Is there any other kind?!), and then we’ll do lunch. Because you’ll be here.” – Linda, Billing

“Great job, make us proud!” – Ted, Director

“I always thought you and I were close. And we are, don’t get me wrong! I also thought I was close with Ted, but apparently not as close as you. I’m just saying, I have suspicions, and I’m sure others do, too. But it’s fine, enjoy your new job, however you earned it.” – Barb, Customer Service

“You’re not leaving.” – Linda, Billing

“Ok, I think I can finally finish my no…” – Carla, Reception

“Is he big? Oh, you know what I’m talking about. We’ve all talked about it. There’s a reason he wears those fitted pleats. What’s the difference, it’s not about Ted as much as you. You must be good. REAL good. What’d you do? Come clean, what’d you do? Because it can’t be more than I did.” – Barb, Customer Service

“You really think you’re leaving? No, not happening. Who am I going to joke with? Barb? That woman’s out of her mind ('Insane in the membrane!!!' Haha! Christmas Party 2008, remember???)!” – Linda, Billing

“Did you videotape it? You two seem the videotaping type. Where’s the tape, Lori? You can either tell me or I’ll just find it myself. I know things, Lori. And if I can’t find the tape, I can put together a pretty good re-creation with Photoshop. I’m sure his wife and kids would LOVE to see that. Is that worth a stupid promotion?” – Barb, Customer Service

“I’m serious, Lori. You’re not leaving. Do you really want to play this game? I work in billing. I have all of your financial information. Do you know what that goes for in the underground? Especially a mark with a credit rating over 780? I can make that happen. One day you start a new job and then the next you find a $15,000 charge on your MasterCard from a remote island in the Balkans (not “Baltic!” Haha! Remember Monopoly Mondays???? AH, SO FUN)!!!” –Linda, Billing

“All the best!.. Didn’t I already sign this? Why is it still circulat…” –Mike, Sales

“LORI, WEWILLMISSYOUPLEASESAVEMEFROMTHESEPEOPLEOKBYE!” –Carla, Reception

“I have to apologize. It was wrong of me to insinuate you got the promotion over me because of indiscretions. Please forgive me. And don’t tell Ted. As much as I complain…I like the sex.” – Barb, Customer Service

“Balkans. You’ve been warned… See you Monday! (Another “Manic” Monday!!! HAHAHA!!!)” –Linda, Billing


Ryan Krebs is a reasonably entertaining comedy writer in NYC. You can get direct access to his drivel 
on Twitter.

The Humor Section features a piece of original humor writing each week. To submit, send an email to Brian Boone.

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