Splitsider

Monday, May 5th, 2014

Ditch Digger University, by Dan Rozier

Listen up! Are you tired of parents, relatives, and friends telling you to apply yourself? Do you want an education that works for you? How's your upper body strength? Are you typically awake at this hour?

Well, what are you waiting for? Get everyone off your back at Ditch Digger University. DDU was established on the belief that education shouldn't only take you further—it should take you wider and deeper, too. We're a premier institution for the modern world where students can learn, grow, and get their hands dirty with real world experience and, more often than not, actual dirt.

At any other university you'd just be a number, a face in the crowd. DDU gives you the personal attention and will rent you the tools you need to succeed. Our instructors aren't like the "professors" you'd find everywhere else. Our faculty members are your mentors, friends, drinking buddies, shift managers, and character witnesses.

Speaking of hitting the books, we provide our students with a rigorous balance of online coursework and on-the-job training. Our majors include: Irrigation System Creation, Flood Prevention Management, Basement Making, Roadside Slopes, Graves, and War Preparation.

But hey, it’s not all learning at DDU. After all, what’s college without a little fun? We’re home to some of the most unique extracurricular programs in the country. When our students aren’t hard at work, they’re participating in programs like the 4 a.m. Society, Smoke Break Club, Half-Hour Lunch Council, Late Shift Committee, or the 48 Hours Notice If You Can’t Make It In Or Your Pay Will Be Docked Team.

Plus, at Ditch Digger University we make time for you, not the other way around. We’re happy to work with your schedule by creating it ourselves. You have absolutely no say. It doesn’t get any more convenient than that.

If you want to earn a degree, make memories that will last a lifetime, and make friends that will last until the job market picks up, or, you know, they leave or die or whatever, then Ditch Digger University is the place for you.

Visit ditchschool.edu or call the payphone outside of the old movie theater to speak with an admissions counselor today!

Dan Rozier is an advertising copywriter. His work has been featured in McSweeney's Internet Tendency, Thought Catalog, your spam folder, and the side of the highway. He tweets at @barf_city. 

The Humor Section features a piece of original humor writing each week. To submit, send an email to Brian Boone.

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