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Monday, May 19th, 2014

When Meagan Prematurely Ends Her Trip to Mars, Let’s Respond in a Dignified Manner, by Erik Cofer

You guys, Meagan is our friend. She has her faults, but she always means well. I guess what I’m really trying to say is that when Meagan’s plan to help establish a colony on Mars and ultimately save humanity from extinction inevitably fails and she comes crawling back to Earth, let’s show her the support she deserves.

I know it’s going to be tempting to point out how we all told her she was nuts beforehand—or crack jokes about her acne and how we’re all just one cosmic calamity away from extinction and you, Meagan, had the chance to help change that but you failed miserably, so thanks for nothing—but we need to resist that urge. Sure, Meagan’s been a consummate failure throughout her life, but don’t we all fail from time to time?

Allie, remember when you ignored Meagan’s warning and tried to shotgun three beers in a row but after the first two, you began to stagger around and vomit on everything? On that day, you failed. And Jason, I’m sure you recall that time we went to see Moneyball  and you had a seizure midway through, then Meagan had to summon help and the whole night was ruined. Or that time a few months later when we were at a comedy club and you seized again. Or the three times you’ve seized since.

And of course, I’m not immune from defeat myself. I once bought a floor lamp from IKEA, but with Meagan in Sudan attempting to put an end to genocide or whatever, I never felt like putting it together and finally just sat it out by the road still in its box and watched someone drive by and pick it up. That’s all I can recall at the moment, but I’m sure there are other instances of failure that I’ve experienced but can just no longer remember.

All I’m saying is that we need to begin by looking from within. What I’m not doing is seriously contending that our occasional shortcomings are the equivalent of Meagan’s more impactful repeated ones. Certainly, none of our failures have ever resulted in the continuance of the AIDS crisis in Africa, the lack of a cure for pancreatic cancer, or the enduring tyranny that plagues North Korea and numerous other third-world nations. These are issues that Meagan alone must answer to.

But let’s nonetheless show Meagan a warm welcome upon her return to Earth. When she stumbles out of that spacecraft, looking haggard and bewildered, probably with a face more acne-riddled than usual, we’ll be wearing the smiles of small, clinically deranged children. And I think you’ll all agree it would be best not to mention the “How long does Meagan last on Mars?” betting pool, which, based on the vibe of her most recent transmission, it appears I’ll be winning.

Erik Cofer is a writer living in Atlanta. His work has appeared in The Big Jewel and McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

The Humor Section features a piece of original humor writing each week. To submit, send an email to Brian Boone.