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Monday, June 30th, 2014

A Commercial for Floral Essentials Shampoo, Based on the Bestselling Dystopian YA Novel, by Mike Cabellon

hairI used to think that raising my three boys was a handful. They would keep me on my toes all day, so I didn't always have time to worry about my hair care products. That's why I trusted Floral Essentials shampoo to help me relax and unwind after a long day.

And thanks to new Transcendence Full Body Volumizing Shampoo from Floral Essentials, I'll never wash my hair the same way again.

When I used Transcendence for the first time, I was transported to a world of almonds and honey.

A world with long-lasting, healthy shine.

A world of strong, revitalized roots.

A world with a deep, dark secret.

It's been seven years since that fateful day. Seven years since my last shower. Seven years since I was actually, literally transported away from my beautiful, suburban Arizona home to a world overrun by anthropomorphic almonds and rivers of toxic honey.

I immediately sought shelter, and quickly found other women who were also transported here by Transcendence Full Body Volumizing Shampoo from Floral Essentials. Their hair looked radiant and full, yet their clothes were tattered and filthy. We've since banded together, pooling resources and shelter. We've lost a few good women along the way, but god does our hair look fabulous.

I spend most of my days now foraging for food and hiding from the Almond Guards, who look exactly how you would expect such a thing to look: almonds the size of a mini-fridge, with thin black arms and legs and cartoonish, powdery white gloves. They carry spears, and it is the decree of the Almond King that all humans are to be killed on sight. Thank god Transcendence Full Body Volumizing Shampoo from Floral Essentials blocks out humidity and repairs split ends, so at least I never have to worry about my hair frizzing when I’m running for my life through the humid, post-apocalyptic air.

We've set up camp in the Lauryl Sulfate Forest, as far away from the honey rivers as possible. The honey that flows through this land is sentient and malevolent, and it eats away at nearly everything in its path. We learned this the hard way; some of the girls have lost fingers and toes on the banks of the rivers. Thankfully, we've yet to lose any of our soft, tangle-free hair, with a freshness you can see and feel. I'm proud of us for having made it this far, relying solely on each other, and on the only tools at our disposal: constant vigilance, and vibrant, manageable hair with a shine that lasts all day.

I wonder if anyone misses me. I wonder if anyone even knows that I'm gone. I'm still not sure what dimension I'm in, what year it is, or what it feels like to have dry, damaged hair from root to tip. For all I know, this could all be happening in the blink of an eye. Maybe one day I'll just wake up, right back in that shower, ready to go out and take my boys to soccer practice. But for now, all I know is that the other survivors and I are trapped here, in this desolate world of almonds and honey, with strong, healthy hair that locks in the moisture and blocks out harmful UV rays, and no way of getting back home.

Thanks new Transcendence Full Body Volumizing Shampoo from Floral Essentials, I'll never wash my hair the same way again. Or ever.

Mike Cabellon is a comedian living in Brooklyn. You should follow him on Twitter.

The Humor Section features a piece of original humor writing each week. To submit, send an email to Brian Boone.