Splitsider

Monday, June 23rd, 2014

Angels Trade the Cruel Passage of Time to the Cubs for a Reminder of Your Own Mortality, by Pablo Goldstein

Image.aspxESPN’s Tim Kurkjian reports that the Anaheim Angels have traded minor league infielder Matt Scioscia to the Chicago Cubs for outfielder Trevor Gretzky.

Gretzky, the son of hockey legend Wayne Gretzky and an abrupt reminder of how little time you have left in your short, insignificant life, was selected in the seventh round of the 2011 First-Year Player Draft. The left-hander is expected to start for the Inland Empire 66ers where he will bat 5th in the lineup and emphasize the coming winter of your existence.

Scioscia, the son of longtime Angels manager and former big-league catcher Mike Scioscia, will make his debut for the Boise Hawks later this year. While the infielder isn’t predicted to start, he will remind you of the crushing realization that you are turning into your father despite all the steps you took to ensure that would never happen.

“We just felt this was the best opportunity for Matt to get some playing time,” Angels general manager Jerry Depoto said of the trade that revived the existential understanding that you’re just one of billions of humans hurtling around the sun at 70,000 m.p.h. “And in return, we’re getting a really great kid as well,” Depoto added, not recognizing that the death rattle of the Grim Reaper comes for us all.

While neither player is considered a top prospect by Baseball America scouts, both should draw their fair share of curious onlookers throughout the season. Gretzky, the offspring of a 53-year-old man who was once nicknamed The Great One for his complete dominance of professional hockey, but whose body and once-handsome features have fallen prey to the insuppressible combination of gravity and the hourglass of time, will find a less crowded depth chart in the Angels’ organization than he did with the Cubs. Scioscia, who was only a month old when his father won his second World Series title with the Los Angeles Dodgers, will face a bigger struggle making the everyday roster, while you endeavor to come to terms with the soul-crushing regrets that wake you up in a cold sweat every single night.

Also included in the trade were $500,000 cash and an unfathomable twinge of remorse to be named later.

Pablo Goldstein is a writer from Los Angeles, CA.

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