Splitsider

Monday, June 9th, 2014

The Collected Wisdom of Frank Abagnale, Sr., by Matt Crowley

Two little mice fell in a bucket of cream. The first mouse quickly gave up and drowned. The second mouse struggled so hard that eventually he turned that cream into butter. He ate all the butter and fought a painful, protracted battle with heart disease for the rest of his life. He would grow to envy that first mouse.

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Two little mice fell in a bucket of cream. The first mouse gave up and drowned. The second mouse struggled so hard that he eventually turned that cream into butter and crawled out. If you ask me, that’s essentially the movie Ratatouille right there, but where are my royalty checks?

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A bucket of cream fell onto two little mice. It was their first date, and it was really embarrassing. But looking at the first mouse drenched in cream, the second mouse couldn’t help but chuckle, and soon they were both bowed over with laughter. They remain married to this day.

***

Two little mice fell in a bucket of creamed corn. They just about threw up. Am I right people? I mean, what genius came up with this idea? I would love to have been at that meeting: “Hey, you know what people are craving? Mushy, milky corn. Mmm boy.” Get real!

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Two little mice fell in a bucket of Cream LPs. Though people always point to Disraeli Gears as the band’s defining album, these mice found Fresh Cream to be an underrated classic that really paved the way for their later efforts. No matter how you slice it, though, Eric Clapton is a national treasure.

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Picture this: two mice in a bucket of cream. One, a hardened police chief with a dark past. The other, a conman looking to make one last score. Torn asunder from everything they know, they have only each other to rely on. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry—that’s the magic of Hollywood, folks. I was in Kangaroo Jack.

***

Two little mice fell into a bucket of cream. Two innocent mice, mice with families who loved them, cut down in the peak of their lives. So you ask me if I believe in God, Father. I don’t know much about belief. But if God is real, he’s one sadistic sonuvabitch, and he is no friend of mine.

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Two little mice fell in a bucket of cream. They swam and swam until they drowned. And that’s when mice cream was invented. Who wants a heaping batch of mice cream? My toenails hurt.

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On November 29th, 1981, following a fight with her husband, a mouse’s body was discovered drowned in a bucket of cream. Yes, I was present at a party on the bucket at the time. However, while the autopsy revealed bruises on her body and drugs in her system, the police found no evidence of foul play on my part or Robert Wagner’s; they concluded that the mouse had fallen into the bucket of cream. I have no further comment on the matter.

***

Two little mice fell in a bucket of cream. Two little mice fell in a bucket of cream! I swear, they did, just a minute ago! You guys, you gotta see this—I talk about this all the time, and it finally happened! Come out on the porch and take a look, quick! Someone bring a camera!

 

Matt Crowley is a writer and comic living in New York. For more topical humor about movies from the early 2000s, follow him on Twitter.

The Humor Section features a piece of original humor writing each week. To submit, send an email to Brian Boone.