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Monday, August 18th, 2014

Write What You Know, by Jesse Porter

officeA 41-year-old customer care specialist from Des Moines falls in love with his free-spirited, unpredictable new co-worker, Amanda. She's smart, she's spunky, she's a single mom — and she might just be the girl of his dreams. Now, in order to win her heart, he'll need to overcome his crippling self-consciousness and insecurity if he ever hopes to start a conversation with her in the parking lot, but he also has to not seem all creepy about it. So it's really tricky.

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Wacky comic hijinks await a 41-year-old customer care specialist from Des Moines when he travels to the countryside for a week of boating, fishing, and quiet contemplation. Little does he know that his vacation is about to take a turn for the unexpected! On his second day there, he comes down with mono and is confined to his motel room for the remainder of the trip.

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In this coming-of-age teen drama, set during the hair metal days of the mid-eighties, an unassuming high school junior is forced to choose between pursuing his dreams of rock-and-roll stardom or making the more sensible decision of enrolling in business classes at the local community college and ultimately becoming a 41-year-old customer care specialist from Des Moines.

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Handsome, charming Brad has it all: a killer job, a sweet car, chiseled good looks, and a winning personality. One night, at the bar, he strikes up a friendly conversation with a 41-year-old customer care specialist from Des Moines. Brad has to leave to meet up with one of the many girls he's dating, but he tells the 41-year-old customer care specialist, "Hey, nice talking to you—I'm sure I'll see you here some time soon." So the 41-year-old customer care specialist returns to the bar every night for three weeks, hoping Brad will show up again, but he never does. Now the 41-year-old customer care specialist curses himself daily for not just giving Brad his phone number when he had the chance, because Brad would've been the coolest friend he could ever imagine having. And it's not like he has many friends to begin with.

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In this captivating David vs. Goliath tale of corporate intrigue, a prominent national corporation changes key parts of its health and pension program and hides them within a long, arcane document which it assumes no one will actually read. But the changes are spotted by a 41-year-old customer care specialist from Des Moines, who tells several of his co-workers about them and even posts an angry rant on his Facebook page (before quickly deleting it, just in case that sort of thing violates company policy).

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The exotic beauty of the South Pacific is brought to life in this sun-drenched tale of swaying palms, shimmering oceans, and tropical cocktails. A handsome couple strolls hand-in-hand down a white-sand beach replete with rare and stunning wildlife, unexpectedly rekindling a long-dormant romance while enjoying breathtaking views and fine dining. Ultimately, in a shocking twist, we reveal that the entire movie thus far has been an infomercial on late-night cable being watched by a 41-year-old customer care specialist from Des Moines.

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In this action-packed thriller, a violent criminal gang steals a fleet of imported cars from an auto showroom the night before Independence Day. They're subsequently pursued by a renegade cop who'll do whatever he needs to in order to get his man, even if that means breaking a few rules. The chase culminates in a thrilling shootout which takes place a mere 10 miles away from the home of a 41-year-old customer care specialist from Des Moines—who was asleep at the time, sure, but still!!

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When orbiting debris strikes a NASA spacecraft hundreds of miles up in the thermosphere, one of the two astronauts is detached from her mooring and sent hurtling out into the deep abyss of cold, black space. Once a 41-year-old customer care specialist from Des Moines finds out that this is what the movie he has rented is actually about, he meekly abandons his plans to watch it and instead resolves to spend his night fixing the leaky bathroom faucet that he's been trying for months to get his landlord to repair. He fails at this, however, as he's failed at most things in life, now that he really stops to think about it. His whole existence, if he's being honest, is a joke—a nothing, a shapeless gray void, a meaningless blip on the record of humanity. He'll die, he disconsolately realizes, and no one will care. Nothing will cease to be but himself; no processes will be interrupted, no functions unfulfilled, no incipient entanglements forever unsurfeited. His passing will not be mourned; will it even be acknowledged? Do the newspapers print obituaries for nobodies like him? How much time, should he choose to end himself at this very moment, would pass before someone thought to investigate the origin of the putrid odor emanating from the miserable, decaying vessel that once contained his life, if anyone could even reasonably call it a life? Should he do it? Why not? I mean, seriously…what's stopping him? That's it. He's going to do it. He's not just saying it this time; he's really going to do it!

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Awkward misunderstandings abound when a Latin American family moves in next door to a 41-year-old customer care specialist from Des Moines, whose knowledge of the Hispanic way of life consists of little more than the names of his favorite items at Taco Bell. This light-hearted culture clash is sure to prove ¡muy loco! 

Jesse Porter is a male television writer living in Los Angeles. No stranger to the written word, Jesse has known how to read and write for over twenty-five years. He has fewer Twitter followers than you.

The Humor Section features a piece of original humor writing each week. To submit, send an email to Brian Boone.