Splitsider

Tuesday, September 2nd, 2014

Letting My Parents Know, by Blake Henderson

Mom. Dad. Thanks for meeting me here.

I’ve wanted to talk to you about this for years, but I’ve just been pushing it off. I don’t even know why I couldn’t do it. I guess I was just scared of what you would do. How you would react. What you’d tell your friends. And I mean, it’s not like I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want you to be a part of my life. I didn’t do it because I wanted to protect you from the truth. And I know that was selfish— because I literally owe everything to you. But I’m sick of living in the darkness and the shadows of a life where I can’t be myself and voice the opinions that make me, I guess, me. And that’s an example of the type of morals that you ingrained in me all throughout my life. And I couldn’t be more grateful for all that you’ve done. So, I guess, here goes nothing. Just remember how much I love you.

I…I’m…what I’m trying to say is…what I’ve realized about myself is that I’m really only interested in…cloud-based solutions. I know you probably didn’t see this coming— or maybe you did—but I just wanted to let you know firsthand. In this day in age, I’m pretty sure that scaling integrated solutions in the new global business environment can really only be achieved by maximizing the effectiveness of shared computational resources. I honestly believe that. And just in case there’s some confusion, let me spell it out for you: Cloud resources are not only shared by multiple users but are also dynamically reallocated per demand. And that’s what I need! Platform as a service!

Mom. No. C’mon, Mom. Mom, please stop crying. Stop. Please just let me continue.

Will I ever go back to not wanting my business solutions found in the cloud? I mean, never say never, right? You were the ones that taught me that – along with so many other amazing things. But, I think I’m pretty set on distributed computing, where a program or application may run on many connected computers at the same time, as my answer in this crazy, flat, connected world. Application. Platform. Infrastructure. Scalability. These are all words that apply to cloud computing—and these are all words that describe me. You have to agree with that, right? The cloud is where I’m happiest…and it’s where I’m me. Me! I can be myself there. Doesn’t that mean anything to you?

Dad, please show some emotion. Please. Be happy or be sad or be angry or be anything—just don’t be emotionless like the technology I’ve come to embrace for all my B2B and B2C needs.

I’m sorry it took so long for me to loop you in on this. But we’re in a fast-paced, always-on world. And this lifestyle of mine is not one that your generation is used to. I get that. I really do. But, by the close of business today, what I hope and pray for is that you’ll understand what I’m going through—and you’ll help me find new multi-directional platforms to exploit this interactive, synergistic technology for my personal financial gain in the supply chain.

That’s all I ask for. I love you.

Blake Henderson is a comedy writer who was a regular Illuminati meeting attendee in New York, but since moving to LA has had a lot of free time since no one will tell him where/when the Illuminati meetings are. He also just realized that maybe those weren’t actual Illuminati meetings in New York and is pretty embarrassed right now.

The Humor Section features a piece of original humor writing each week. To submit, send an email to Brian Boone.

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