Kale’s Agent Convinces It To Do a Soup for Olive Garden, by Steven An

kaleListen Kale, I know you’re not gonna like this, but it’s a good opportunity, and it’s good pay, and if you do this one then the next one will be something just for you.

Don’t give me that look. Will you just hear me out? Okay, okay. So it’s just a supporting role; everyone knows that you can do a good salad. This is a little different, but it’s something I know you’d still be good in.

Geez, okay. It’s a soup. For Olive Garden.

Come on Kale, that’s nonsense. You gotta do this one! You have to do this one! No one’s gonna think you’re selling out, and the people that say those things don’t understand the business we’re in. I mean, look at Pineapple. Everyone, except for me, was telling her not to do the pizza thing and just look at how happy she is with Ham. Have you seen their beach house in Hawaii? Or look at Coconut. Do you think she went from scraping by on luau dancers’ tits to making millions off water by playing it safe?

You don’t wanna get typecast like Watermelon.

I know they’re fruits and that makes it even harder for you. You can’t sell your sweetness. No one wants to drink Kale water. You were the “it” vegetable a year ago, but frankly, people are getting sick of Kale chips. I hate to remind you, but after Cucumber didn’t sign on for the Chicago-style hot dog, well, what he does on the side to make a living is something no vegetable should have to do. You do this soup and we’re looking at Kale in a whole ‘nother way. And I hear Olive Garden already signed Potato as lead vegetable.

Hey, don’t you say that about their breadsticks. They are delicious. Change your attitude and see this as an opportunity. Don’t forget that you used to just be garnish, watching Potato get all the best spots on the plate. Now you have a chance to share the same bowl. You do well in this soup and maybe you get to be in that burger that you always wanted. Just imagine that. No more salads, no more chips—just you, two gluten-free buns, and a cage-free medium-rare Quinoa burger.

Alright, you’ll do it? Great. Olive Garden will be ecstatic to hear this. Oh, and just one more thing. In order to taste the part, they request that you be naked for the entirety of the meal.

Steven An is a writer, science teacher, and Olive Garden enthusiast in New York City.

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