Snow Globe Weather Forecast, by Alonso Cisneros
Sunday: Snowstorm. Flurries.
Clear and sunny skies on this warm morning, suddenly followed by a snowstorm after someone shakes the snow globe for a few seconds. Prepare for it to snow relentlessly for no meteorological reason whatsoever, except for someone shaking the snow globe for the fun of it. Flurries expected for the rest of the day.
Monday: Snowstorms throughout the day.
Snow globe shaken over the course of the day, ranging from lazily to mildly, resulting in high winds and violent snowstorms across the area. Most likely to receive the same two inches of snow that always lies on the surface of the globe. Don’t bother shoveling or calling plow services. The snow will settle back onto your driveways by the end of the night.
Tuesday: Snowstorms throughout the day.
Power outages expected. Snowstorm heading in from the northwest when a guy moves in on the snow globe and shakes it. He will come back numerous times, somehow receiving joy in inflicting damage on the town with more snowstorms. Power outages are expected throughout the area, due to the severity of how hard this man has decided to shake the snow globe.
Wednesday: Snowstorm. Second snowstorm. Flurries.
Snow globe accidently tipped over. Horizontal snowstorm ensues before someone saves the town by setting it upright again. Stay inside. High risk of immediately falling and smacking into the glass of the snow globe as it rolls. Second snowstorm immediately following our rescue when that person shakes the globe, settling in flurries once more.
Thursday: Snowstorms throughout the night. Roads closed.
Holiday party. People will take turns to see who can shake the snow globe the hardest, as they cannot hear our town’s screams. Emergency response crews will be made available. Snowstorms lasting until 11:30 p.m., when the last guests say their goodbyes. Poor driving conditions resulting in closures of most major roads.
Friday: Snow globe turned upside down. All is lost.
90% chance of someone turning the snow globe upside down. The town will receive record snowfall and face irreparable damage, as all of the snow will fall upon the city at once, crushing everyone. Don’t try to leave town. Due to architectural flaws, there is no way out of the snow globe. We are trapped. All will be lost.
Alonso Cisneros is a comedy writer. He also writes and photographs jokes on Tumblr.
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