Why My Anime Girlfriend is Much Cooler Than My Stepmom Brenda, by Devin Rosni

animeHaving an anime girlfriend is the coolest thing in the world! My girlfriend Kukuru Megumi is the most awesome character on my favorite anime TV show Wolf Mirage Schoolgirl. Kukuru does not even mind that I am only 11 years old. She is the best girlfriend ever!

My stepmom Brenda married my dad two years ago and she sucks. Brenda does not speak Japanese at all. Sometimes she tells me what to do and I tell her, “NO BRENDA, YOU ARE NOT MY MOM!”  I hate when that happens.

Here are a few reasons why my girlfriend Kukuru is way cooler than Brenda.

LOOKS

Kukuru has the hugest beautiful orange eyes because her grandfather was half dragon. Her outfits are so sexy but not in a way that is too inappropriate. I like that her hair is long and pink. When she summons her fire spirit her hair turns white and that is pretty cool, too. Even though Kukuru is immortal, she looks like she is only 16.

Brenda has boring brown hair. She also has brown eyes and says it is because she is “mostly Welsh.” She always wears way more makeup than Mom used to. Brenda is 34 years old but she looks about 110 years old.  One time I told her that she would be prettier if her nose wasn’t so bumpy and my dad grounded me from the computer.

SKILLS AND ABILITIES

My anime girlfriend is a master of weapons and also hand-to-hand combat. That is one of my top favorite things about her. When Dark Master Juko attacked Black Earth, Kukuru used her throwing knives to block his punches. She does not get sweaty even when she is in grave danger. Not many other girls I know are dragon masters, so I think I am lucky to be dating Kukuru.

According to Brenda, she is a “consulting asset manager” and does not know any mortal fighting styles. She does not even own a single sword. One thing she is good at is telling me to go outside which she does practically every time I see her, even though I hate going outside. She is also good at getting my dad to yell at me all the time even though he never did that when him and Mom were married. Brenda says she never wanted kids because she wanted to focus on her career. Maybe that is why she sucks at being a mom.

POPULARITY

Wolf Mirage Schoolgirl is one of the most popular animes in Japan. Kukuru is so popular that there are lots of action figures and trading cards of her. She is pretty much the most famous girl on the planet.

Brenda is not popular because she is ugly and stupid. She has never been on television.

IN CONCLUSION

Someday I hope Kukuru and I get married. If we ever have kids, we will treat them so well and we will never tell them they are weird because they like Japanese stuff too much. When we own our own dojo, kids who have bad stepmoms can come and hang out whenever they want.

I wish Brenda would GO BACK TO ARIZONA. I wish Dad had never met her at that dumb business conference in Phoenix. If Mom were here, she would probably kill Brenda.

Final Score:

Dragon Master Kukuru Megumi: 10 / 10

Brenda Plotkowski: –331,523 / 10

Devin Rosni is a writer living in New York.  He tweets at @devinrosni

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