An Excerpt From ‘FUDS: A Complete Encyclofoodia’
FUDS began in 2012 as a parody menu satirizing the foodie scene, food blogs, and, mostly, pretentious food words. (The menu includes “thick crust stringer chunks,” “crab dorks,” and “sea sucklers towered over a seaweed sleeping bag and calmed with a menthol pillow.”) Named by GQ as one of its “100 Funniest Things in the History of the Internet,” the work of “Alfredo and Antonio Mizretto” has expanded to a whole book, FUDS: A Complete Encyclofoodia (From Tickling Shrimp to Not Dying in a Restaurant). Probably the most complete book ever written on cooking and eating not real food, the book, like the website, is actually written by Kelly Hudson (Thing X, Adult Swim), Dan Klein (Funny or Die, Comedy Bang! Bang!), and Arthur Meyer (The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon). Here’s an excerpt, “Kitchen Things.”
A lot of people think that cooking is just throwing a bunch of ingredients together and getting them all hot. That’s true, but there are plenty of tools that can help ease the process. Here are a few of our favorites. We recommend you spend a lot of money on them.
Air, Surfaces, and Space
The three most important things you’ll need in your kitchen are breathable air, matter in the shape of surfaces, and spatial dimensions. Without air, you cannot breathe; without surfaces, you have no place to put the food; and without dimensions, you would be floating in an endless white void, and that’s no good for cooking.
Hands are the two things that hang off the ends of your arms. They’re great for grabbing, holding, throwing, placing, and tickling your food. You get them for free when you are born. They’re easy to maintain, too. Just remember to wash them at least once a week.
For spanking food when it’s cooking too loudly in the pan.
The only spoon that has no opening so nothing can get inside or out. Great for cooking.
Small cooking rock
For smashing hard-to-open things, like cans and bottles.
Large cooking rock
For smashing larger hard-to-open things, like big cans and windows.
For chopping large hunks of meat and defending your kitchen against invading infantrymen.
Cover your entire kitchen with a thick blue plastic tarp so when you’re finished cooking, you can remove it and Voilà! No mess. This is much more convenient than tearing down and rebuilding your kitchen from scratch every time you make a mess.
Nails and screws
These will come in handy when you need ingredients to stick together. Nails and screws, man.
Regulation NCAA football
For having fun with.
Helps clear away dirty dishes, pots, and pans in one swing. Either toss them up in the air or simply hit them directly off the surface.
Ceiling food swing
A swing connected to the ceiling that rocks your food back and forth to put it in a good mood before it’s cooked.
Vending machines are great for when you don’t want to cook food, and instead want to just buy candy and eat it.
For when two pieces of bread and some ingredients accidentally get stuck together in what’s known as a “sandwich.” This loud, refrigerator-size, gasoline-powered tool will tear them apart so you can eat them in the way they were intended to be eaten.
For spitting in.
Add danger and excitement to your cooking experience by pouring ten gallons of hot lava in your kitchen. If you fall in it, you die.
A series of marbles used for cooking.
A protective garment worn over one’s body. You don’t need to wear anything underneath it. It’s fine, you’ll be okay.
For more formal cooking occasions.
A semicircular tool for measuring angles.
Helps get rid of food scraps. Place them into the wormhole and send them to a far-off corner of the universe.
Used to bop or bonk people on the head when they try to steal cooling pies off your windowsill. Otherwise useless.
We like to set our timers for 1 minute. Even though the food isn’t ready, it’s a lot faster than what recipes tell you to set it for.
Cooking can be stressful, so use a little morphine to calm down, pass out, and snooze through the cooking process.
Small, spoon-shaped walking stick
To get you from one side of the counter to the other.
This would have been a great weapon for them to have used in one of the Home Alone movies. We can’t believe they didn’t think of that.