Talking to Clickhole’s Cullen Crawford (@hellocullen) about Twitter, Brands, and More

cullencrawfordCullen Crawford lives in Chicago. He is a staff writer at and was previously a staff writer at the Onion News Network. Crawford has a pit bull named Gristle that he loves very much and is very proud of and has the Twitter accounts @dougepisodes, @pinterestfake, and @lazybanksy which he says he is less proud of. This week Crawford talked to me about three of his favorite tweets as well as some other subjects like brands, heroes, and garbage. Keep reading and you’ll see!

Crawford: I can imagine nothing classier than picking something out of a tank and then consuming it. I wish I could pick video games, muffins in waterproof wrapping, or college acceptance letters out of a saltwater tank and then a man dressed better than I am would take me to a table and ask me if I need anything else.

Do you draft/edit your tweets at all?

Haha I read this question in my 7th grade English teacher’s voice. I do not. I think it’s what got me to do Twitter at all in the beginning, like the idea that my brain could just cough up garbage and I could put it somewhere. I appreciate those really tight, well-crafted Twitter people but I am the bad one of the odd couple. The fat guy with the shriveled up tie and gravy stains.

The companies and their computers are trying so hard to make you like them. Poor little fellas. They are tweeting about their sodas on #PrayForMutilatedThomas and placing ads on your grandfather’s obituary. They are Lenny destroying puppy after puppy with his simple, powerful love. Brands rush in where angels fear to tread.

This tweet is from ~1.5 years ago and I feel like since then, the awkward personification of brands and the backlash against it have both significantly increased. Have you noticed the way you joke about the subject change over time?

I know that people have been ragging on brands forever on there. I used to do it a lot. Like reply to a Red Lobster tweet about clams with a story about my son getting hit by a car or something. Now I mostly just block them and then light a candle and listen to cello music. I am very tired

Have you noticed the way you tweet change over time?

Not really. I guess I feel more earnest. Less scared to say things that might make me look actually stupid instead of fun, comedy persona stupid. Oh also I tweet “The World is a Vampire” all the time now.

People finger waving about their strong grandpas every time “selfie” gets added to the dictionary need to go the shut up section of the Fuck You store.

What’s the best interaction you’ve had on Twitter?

This is cheating and I’m bragging and it doesn’t really count for your question, but once a hero of mine Adam McKay tweeted a link to an ONN piece I pitched and wrote with just the word “hilarious,” and anybody could have just killed me right at that moment and I wish they had.

I haven’t gotten yelled at by anyone who matters or anything. Oh! The singer from Sixpence None the Richer followed me and I was like, “What’s up lady you are burned into my early-pubescent psyche.” (Leigh Nash. She’s legit great).

What are your favorite topics to tweet about, and are they mostly the same as or different from the subjects you like to write bigger pieces about?

The normal things:
*Lurch from Addams Family
*70’s rock bands
*JD Power and Associates

These things find their way into whatever I’m doing including dreams (not a joke).

Jenny Nelson lives and writes in Brooklyn and works at Funny or Die.

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