To Whom It May Concern: The Contents of This Email Are Rather Concerning, by Taylor Sade
To Whom It May Concern,
I use that phrase it all of its reality. No seriously, what I am about to say is extremely concerning. I didn’t just say that introductory phrase because I was unaware of whom to make this letter out to. Truly, the contents of which this letter are going to address are drastically concerning and deserve your concerned thoughts.
I beg you good sir, or madam, to please direct your attention to the proceeding context I will get to in this letter with your upmost attention. Certainly a person in your position of power would be worried about the fact of which I am going to get to in a moment. The truth of the matter is that if you sir, or madam, do not give this concerning affair its due diligence there will be a process that unfolds that could be of a concerning nature.
Now, before I get to the concerning matter at hand, I would first like to thank you for being such a gentleman, or woman, for reading this email that which was sent directly to you—whomever you may be. I assure you that the concerning nature of this document is meant for your eyes only, because I knew that only a man, or woman, with your background knowledge and expertise in this field is right for what has yet to be revealed.
First, let me start by saying to you, that you have the highest respect from me, because I know how hard it has been for a woman, or man, to achieve such success in your field in such a short period of time, or over a long steady career—whichever it is. That being said, I know the details of which we are about to discuss are perfect for a person in your position. I assume.
Okay, now you’re probably wondering, “What’s the concerning criteria that is about to be graced before my eyes?” Good question. Let me begin with the fact that everything in this email will be of the most critical concern for you directly, if not paid proper attention to the fine details, of which will be adhered to momentarily.
I know that to whom it may concern is most definitely you Mr., or Mrs,. or Miss. Your concern of the following dictation is greatly appreciated, considering how busy a person in your field of work must be—one would assume. I am positive I can connect with such a fine fellow, or nice lady, such as yourself, because we both have a fiery passion that burns when a matter as concerning as this, which I’ll speak to shortly, is brought to our attention. Simply put, we both come from similar backgrounds—not knowing each other necessarily, for starters.
Sure, this email was sent to the “general inquiries” department at “info.biz,” but let me tell you sir, or madam, that my hands typed with an earnestness that goes unmatched knowing you—again, whomever you are—would be the one to read it upon its immediately digital arrival. I knew that you would be so concerned to finally realize what lie ahead in this message, that your eyes were the ones meant for this.
Time is of the essence in this matter, and with a concerning matter so pressing, it is pertinent that you waste no time in addressing what is truly at stake here. Without giving what I’m about to reveal to you a thorough and scrutinized examination in its every aspect, the general livelihood of those whom it concerns, and beyond, could become downtrodden. Literally, what I am hoping to be a fully qualified male, or female, employee is the only person that can speak to this concerning issue.
So, have I finally gotten your attention? Are you ready to be the one to fix the problem your company is facing, yet has gone unnoticed until now? What you are about to get your hands on is career gold and could send you straight to the top. Seriously, only the next sentence lies between you and your next raise with an “Employee Of The Month” plaque to go with it.
Without further ado, to whom it may concern:
My résumé and cover letter are attached. Please hire me.
Taylor Sade is an award winning* joke writer and humorist whose writing can be seen in many other locales. Follow him on Twitter if you’re into wasting your time as much as he is. *The award was a free taco for winning a Twitter joke contest put on by Cheetos.
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