The Broadly Declarative Philosophical Musings of Hannibal Buress

hannibal_buressHannibal Buress has been one of the best comics in the country for the past decade, but he’s in the middle of a hot streak. You may know him as Lincoln the dentist on Broad City, as the sidekick on The Eric Andre Show, from The Comedy Central Roast of Justin Bieber, or his albums My Name is Hannibal and Animal Furnace.

Finally, Buress has his very own show. Why? with Hannibal Buress is a combination of sketches, standup, and interviews with real people. All will be laced with Buress’s singular approach, notable for his laid-back, broadly declarative philosophical musings. Tune in tonight at 10:30/9:30c on Comedy Central and on the Comedy Central App.

In the mean time, here’s a taste of the trademark Hannibal approach:

On handling problems
“Whenever people are going through a struggle in life they get really cliché, they say stuff like, “I’m taking it one day at a time.” You know who else is? Everybody, because that’s how time works.” (Animal Furnace)

On crummy jobs
“[This club] had an open mic on Sundays I was trying to perform at. They were charging a cover and I saw a coupon for free entry in one of the Chicago papers. So I take this coupon, and I get there, and this dude there was working the door said, ‘Nah, man.’ I said I wanted to perform and I had this coupon. This guy was being a real dick about it, trying to fight me and shit. And, he had on flip-flops and dreadlocks. I met him years later under different circumstances. He’s a decent guy. I think maybe the stress of being a doorman was getting to him.” (Interview)

On his process
“How do you think I write jokes? By looking at shit.” (The Fader)

On priorities
“They say that you roast the ones you love, but I don’t like you at all, man. I’m just here because it’s a real good opportunity for me.” (The Comedy Central Roast of Justin Bieber)

On celebrity culture

“I don’t want to die before Will Smith ‘cause then I’ll miss that awesome Fresh Prince of Bel-Air marathon.” (Animal Furnace)

On competency

“Whenever I eat at a restaurant I never put the napkin in my lap. Because I believe in myself. I believe in my ability to not spill food in my pants ‘cause I’m a goddamn adult.” (Animal Furnace)

On villains
“Some villains have a coolness to them, you know? Like Magneto. I always thought Magneto’s cool. But The Penguin, he sorta seems like a sad fat man. He’s one of those villains you want to lose. Some villains, you’re like, ‘I want him to win a couple of battles, and then lose.’ But The Penguin, you’re like, ‘I want him to lose right away.’” (Interview)

On assistance

“I don’t like when people say, ‘I’ll pray for you.’ What? So basically you sit at home and do nothing. You do nothing, while I struggle with a situation. Don’t pray for me. Make me a sandwich or something.” (Animal Furnace)

On charity
“I don’t believe in cancer walks. I’d rather just give money straight up and save my Saturday afternoon. I can make my own T-shirt, that’s not incentive. Plus I don’t think cancer responds to how far people walk.” (Animal Furnace)

On fear

“I saw Paranormal Activity. It was a horrible movie. It was such a bad movie. It was not scary. If you were scared by that, then you’ve had an easy life.”

On punctuation
“I don’t even know how to use a semicolon to this day. I use a comma every time. And you know what? If I email somebody and they get upset about me using a comma instead of a semicolon, that’s not a person I want to work with anyway.” (Animal Furnace)

On emotions

“I got into an argument at work about the movie Up. I enjoyed Up, but they were like, ‘Did you cry when you saw Up?’ No, I didn’t cry. ‘Why not?’ Because I’m a grown man, and that’s a cartoon and I don’t cry when I see cartoons. What the hell is wrong with you?”

On rats

“I think rats are dudes. That’s a dude trait, to be a rat. Unless he’s giving birth right then. Okay, that might be a lady rat. Or it could be a dude rat playing an elaborate trick on us, you never know. Rats are rats.” (The Tonight Show)

On relativity
“Time moves slow when you’re destroying yourself.” (Jimmy Kimmel Live)

On perspectives

“My weird fear is that one day I’ll get in a fight with a gorilla, and I’ll whip that gorilla’s ass, but in the media I come off as the villain.” (Conan)

On fame

“At a club in New York, I turn around. Scarlett Johansson is directly behind me, in line for the bathroom. So we speak briefly. I think most dudes, you’re next in line, Scarlett Johansson right behind you, you let her go ahead. But you know what? I’m not that dude. I loved you in Avengers, Scarlett. But I still got to pee. Everybody in this world got to pee.” (Conan)

On intoxicants
“Whenever I’m drunk, I’m in the moment. Whenever I’m high, I over-analyze the moment. Like, if I’m drunk, having sex, I think: Man, this is awesome. But if I’m high, having sex, I think: “Man, why is she letting me do this to her?”

On commitment

“I really get overly into TV shows. I watched nine episodes of Homeland. I got home one night and wanted to watch the final three episodes, but I was kind of drunk and nodding out. And I was thinking, ‘Man, if I had some cocaine, I could knock out these last three episodes.’ And I think that’s the mark of a great show: If you’re willing to pick up a new habit instead of just going to sleep for a few hours.” (Conan)

On revenge
“Sometimes I get drunk and I get into arguments with taxi drivers. And I get out the cab and I slam the door. That’s not the way to win an argument with a taxi driver. The way to win is you get out of the cab and you leave the door open.”

On flavor

“I have a surplus of pickle juice in my apartment. After the pickles are gone, I don’t like throwing out the pickle juice. It just feels wasteful. So lately I’ve been dipping my fingers in the pickle juice and then flicking them on the sandwiches for flavor. How many flicks does it take to properly flavor a ham sandwich? I’d say between seven and 11, depending on how big your fingers are, and how long you leave them immersed in the pickle juice. There’s a lot of variables. I’ve studied this.” (Late Show with David Letterman)

On first impressions
“People always think I’m high all the time. ‘Hannibal, you look high, you sound high, you high?’ No, I’m not high. I’m just way cooler than you.” (My Name is Hannibal)

On Comedy Central
And now for a taste of Why? with Hannibal Buress. First up is a Hannibal in classic standup mode explaining one possible reason for why the name of his show is what it is (think: flexibility).

Then check out this hilarious clip from the show where Hannibal confronts his greatest social media troll…AMY SCHUMER.

Tune in tonight at 10:30/9:30c on Comedy Central or anytime on the Comedy Central App. 

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