The Only People Who Have Ever Seen Rob’s Penis, by Sam Gallewin

groupOkay, everyone! I know we’re all tired and I know we’re all still pissed at that wizard who teleported the eight of us into this small room together. And yes, if you all remember correctly, he said that he cast a spell that will keep us trapped inside of this room until we figure out the one thing we all have in common. But honestly, I– I, uh, I think it’s just a trick.  

And the reason I’m sweating so heavily is because I’ve been deep in thought for the past few minutes. Can you guys please stop asking? By the way, the idea that only nervous people who have something to hide are the only people who sweat profusely is a total myth. It’s ridiculous. Deep thinkers sweat too!  

Okay, before you interrupt me, Dad, I just wanna say that I’m an adult. I’m living a life. Maybe you haven’t realized it ever since I left for college, but I’m two years in and I’ve led a very adventurous life. I’ve gone rock climbing, I’ve eaten the food of different cultures, and yes, I’ve dated a lot of women. I hate to say it, but your son has had sex! Tons of it, actually! In fact, me and Nina were discussing the possibility of having sex with each other for the first time just before that wizard zapped us into this room! Sex is a normal, everyday thing, Dad! Like, how weird would it be if I were a virgin at 20 years old? Nina even said that she doesn’t think she could ever have sex with a virgin, let alone date one! And then I agreed with her and said, “That’d be so weird! I can’t imagine having sex with a virgin and trust me, I’m no virgin! I’ve had tons of sex!” And then we laughed!  

Anyway, I’ve looked at the eight people who are in this room, and I’m telling you, the “one thing we all have in common” can be any number of things, really. Just look at us! There’s me, my girlfriend Nina, Mom, Dad, my childhood doctor Dr. Nguyen, Nurse Kaplan, Nurse Ramirez, and m-my Italian instructor Professor Steele–  

No, Mom, I don’t know why Professor Steele is only wearing a leather thong or why the only English words she knows how to say are “50 Tokens for Tits” and “100 Tokens for Cam to Cam.” None of us speak Italian, so we can’t ask her! Ugh, if only one of us spoke Italian! But trust me, she’s definitely one of my professors. She even recognized my clothing! I mean, yeah, she only recognized my pants, but this is the only pair of pants I own, so it makes sense.  

Also, can we get away from the notion that the “one thing we all have in common” has something to do with me? Because I think you’re all overreaching just a little bit.  

Dr. Nguyen, it does make sense for the “one thing” to be connected to me, but I just don’t agree, my man. I mean, I don’t even know Nurse Kaplan and Nurse Ramirez! I know you said it was you, Nurse Kaplan, and Nurse Ramirez who delivered me when I was born, but can you even prove that? You’ve delivered a lot of babies, Dr. Nguyen. I find it hard to believe that you’d remember all of the nurses you’ve ever worked with.

I really feel like I know what the “one thing we all have in common” is.  

I think it’s simple: We’re all human. We all have hopes, dreams, fears. If you think about it, it’s amazing actually, that–

Dr. Nguyen, you have to stop interrupting me! Jesus, are you seriously accusing me of knowing what “the one thing we all have in common” is, but keeping it a secret from all of you? Can you even fucking hear yourself right now, man?

You know what, maybe we’re all asking the wrong question! Maybe we ought to be asking ourselves why we are allowing this wizard guy to keep us enslaved like this! This is illegal! This is immoral! I say w-we, we build some sort of battering ram! Yeah! We can build a battering ram to ram ourselves out of this God forsaken dungeon! Let’s make a statement! Let’s let this wizard guy know that he is no match for the tour de force that is humanity!  

Okay, okay, okay, if we can’t build a battering ram, we can just use our heads! Yes, let’s do it!

…aaaand now I’m bleeding. Okay, um, let’s take five, and then we’ll try again after Dr. Nguyen is done bandaging my forehead.

Sam Gallewin is a writer in California.  

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