Steve Miller Writes a Cover Letter, by Dan Fitzpatrick

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Dear Pegasus Fruit Company,

My name is Steve Miller; some people call me Maurice. I was excited to see your opening for Regional Sales Manager. Though my friends know me as a joker, I sincerely believe that I am the man for the job.

I have long admired the success of the Pegasus Fruit Company, watching your seeds of ambition sprout into a mighty tree. I really like your peaches; however, I want to shake your tree. Too many employees blindly adore out-of-date sales practices, but I would like to speak to the pompitous of this love. Every business needs to evolve, and I can bring the PFC into modern times. I’m a picker, I’m a grinner, I’m a lover, and I understand the necessity of synergy in today’s commercial climate.

So what I am I all about? Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love, but the bottom line is my invaluable management experience in both the aeronautical and adult entertainment industries. Of course, working in sales is cutthroat; while I sure don’t want to hurt no one, I will sure show you a good time once your quarterly reports indicate a sizeable increase in revenue.

You will find that I am a highly dedicated individual with no qualms about working late hours or traveling for much of the year. As you can see from my resumé, I am a midnight toker and get my loving on the run, so my personal life will not interfere with business matters. It will be “lovey-dovey” all the time. For work, that is.

People talk about me, so please refer to my letters of recommendation if you need any further proof of my abilities. Should you hire me, I assure you: I would be right here, right here, right here, right here at home.

Sincerely,

Steve (Maurice)

Dan Fitzpatrick is a writer and comedian living in New York City. He has been featured on Comedy Central’s website. For more of Dan’s work, check out his blog The Danopticon or follow him on Twitter.

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