The Metrics of Fool-Shaming, by Zack Bornstein

unarable
Fool me once, shame on you.

Fool me twice, shame on me.

Fool me three times, okay, I should have seen that one coming.

Fool me four times, wow, you’re really on quite the fooling spree, aren’t you?

Fool me five times, alright, now you’re just being a jerk.

Fool me six times, pfffft! What’d you put in my coffee? Really thought you weren’t going to fool me that time.

Fool me seven times, dammit, I knew you weren’t to my left. What are you even gaining from this never-ending trickery?

Fool me eight times, more ink on my tie? Real funny. I’m asking you politely, I would appreciate it if you would stop fooling me.

Fool me nine times, gah! Now I’m out of data for the month, thanks a lot. I give up, Randy, what do you want from me?

Fool me ten times, ow my nose! Please, it can only take so much, I have a sinus thing. Is this some kind of game for you? Some petty revenge? What did I do? 

Fool me thirteen times, this is getting old. You can only fool me so many times. Seriously, I know that pig-in-a-wig is not my wife. Just tell me what you want. 

Fool me sixteen times, Christ! I’ve barely an inch of counter space left for another blasted knife block! Just please!

Fool me twenty-one times, okay, okay, you have all my passwords and account info. I get it, you can fool me! Now stop it!

Fool me twenty-eight times, where did you even get the deeds to these tracts of unarable swampland? The paperwork you must have done for these fools alone is unreal.

Fool me thirty-seven times, phishing schemes! Pyramid schemes! Ponzi schemes! When will the schemes end?! 

For me thirty-nine times, identify theft is a crime, not a joke, you lunatic!

Fool me forty-four times, you’ve bled my accounts. You’ve sullied my face. You’ve replaced my fish with a non-fish entity! You’ve secured my organs for donation! I’ve nothing left for you to filch!

Fool me fifty times, it can’t just be you, there must be more people involved in this! The sheer logistics alone…

Fool me sixty-two times, how high does this go up??

Fool me eighty-eight times, how did you even get in touch with the U.N.? You must have spent years, decades devising these fools!

Fool me one hundred-fourteen times, you’re a sick man, Randy! Sick! Shame on you!

Fool me one hundred-fifteen times, ok I shouldn’t have said that! I’m sorry, please please no! I can’t bear another tract of unarable swamp land! You’ve fooled me into signing mortgages in every time-zone around the globe! Even ones without land in them! Just stop!

Fool me three hundred-two-thousand-fifteen-ten, I CAN’T EVEN COUNT ANYMORE, HOW MANY TIMES MUST YOU FOOL ME, YOU MONSTER? WHATEVER GAME YOU ARE PLAYING, I FORFEIT. I QUIT. I WAVE MY WHITE FLAG. YOU WIN!

FOOL MEEEE FOOOL, ARE YOU FOOLING ME OR AM I FOOLING ME? IS THERE NOTHING TO THIS WORLD BUT AN ELABORATE FOOL? 

WHO ARE I?! WHO AM YOU?! FOOL IS WHO?!

Fool me seventeen million times, shame on you.

Zack Bornstein is Segment Director at Jimmy Kimmel Live and Creator of Garlic Jackson Comedy. Zack has directed, written, produced, and performed original comedy for ABC, Comedy Central, Fox, MTV, The New Yorker, and more. Birthed in Seattle, Zack studied Neuroscience at Brown University and was selected as a Rhodes Scholar Finalist. Say hi on Twitter!

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