A Request For Time Off Work to Be Spiritual Like My Friend, Wesley, by Matthew Mazer

roadDear Supervising Manager,

Buddha once said a really good caption on Wesley’s Instagram. I’m 40 percent positive it was something about the road to truth and 100 percent it was about a handful of other things as well. The point is, Wesley took a really spiritual picture of an unpaved road that made me want to be more like him and less like someone who has to work Monday through Wednesday of next week. Therefore I am requesting three days off work in order to walk the road to truth, just like Wesley on all roads since his mom doesn’t let him borrow the car anymore.

As I mention, my friend, Wesley, is the inspiration for my journey of self-discovering that I can be like Wesley. He is pretty far down the road to truth since he is a vegan, and he once went on a Native American Visionquest. In fact, he has already transcended some of the world’s most famous celebrities on their roads to truth, such as Carrie Underwood. Unlike Wesley, Carrie Underwood is a mere vegan who hasn’t even gone on a Visionquest.

Spiritually, Wesley is also way ahead of me on the road to truth. I don’t know how to measure the spiritual distance between us, but I’ll ballpark it at 100,000 yoga mats. For instance, Wesley owns several candles that activate Feng Shui or whatever it is Chinese people call the God of Furniture. On the other hand, I haven’t even had time to figure out if I want a candle that smells like a fruit or this other one called Spring Renewal that smells more like an idea. I attribute this to being so busy with work. Candles are for having moods and the only moods I have time for are hungry, tired, and furious. Before work, I am furious and hungry. By the time I get home at night, I’m so tired I don’t even need to drink myself to sleep, but I do it anyway. Then I’m asleep by whenever I find a level surface with fewer than three things on it. And while I sleep, Wesley gets to stay up. He’s not exhausted from a day full of cleaning the broken employee bathroom. He gets to be spiritual like a Coldplay song and see how the stars shine for him.

Maybe I just need some time off because my chakras are imbalanced. But I don’t know what chakras are so they could be a thousand other adjectives too. I just know I feel like I need a break from having to work and especially with coworkers. Coworkers like Ron, who is an unending supply of dark secrets. I never get a break from Ron’s sordid past coming back to haunt me and not him. Meanwhile, Wesley gets to spend time spiritualizing with people named things like Nor who live in coffee shops and share recipes for vegan astrology readings. Sometimes I imagine I am in a coffee shop with Wesley and Nor as they discuss spiritual things like how to understand if something is a poem in the year 2016. But in reality, Ron is drunk and breaking the employee toilet even worse than he broke it last time. I put up with this for barely enough money to pay rent, while Wesley gets to live with his mom.

So next week I am going to start being more like Wesley. I’ve already started familiarizing myself with yoga. Wesley used to encourage me to learn yoga because it healed him of his drug addiction before he even got addicted to drugs, and now I’m finally doing it! Even though I just started, I will eventually Warrior Pose and Tree Pose and Warrior Pose and Warrior Pose and the other pose my way to enlightenment.

With the help of yoga, I think I’ll be able to squeeze in some substantial enlightenment between Monday through Wednesday of next week’s schedule. At least I hope so. I need to become more mystical like Wesley before it’s too late. I don’t want to be stuck in this job, doomed to an eternity of polishing wine glasses for money like a non-spiritual capitalist, while Wesley is the one who masters the Force and gets a lightsaber.

Matthew Mazer lives in Birmingham, Alabama, near a really dangerous Walmart.

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