Please Stop Body-Shaming Me for Being the Ice Cream Cone Pokémon, by Colin Heasley

icecream
Every day, society tells us how to look and be. Be a rodent, it says. Have a rock in your forehead. Be on fire. I am none of those things, and no amount of cosmetic surgery can change that. I am what I am: an upside-down triangle of frozen water, topped with soft-serve and an omnipresent cloud of mist. It might not be what people expect, but I can’t change myself.

So please:

Please stop body-shaming me for being the ice cream cone Pokémon.

It’s easy to make fun of someone who can’t respond except by repeating their own name. I should know. But here on the internet, I have a voice too. And I must to raise my voice now, for the sake of everyone who types in the hunt-and-peck style because their arms are two stubby icicles.

Please understand.

Strangers never fail to inform me, in shock, that I am an animated sundae. I get why they’re surprised, but believe me: It hasn’t escaped my notice that my body is a vanilla-scented wintry wonderland. “It’s just an ice cream cone!” They say in YouTube comments. “I guess they’ve officially run out of ideas!”

These words hurt.

Criticism is supposed to become easier to swallow with age. As I aged, I just grew a second head. That head is also made of ice cream. I can’t help but wonder if maybe I would have been better off as an extra on Adventure Time. It seems like they have fun there. I wonder if someone will ever call me…

“Cool.”

You have to love yourself before someone else will love you, and I am far enough in my journey to know that I deserve to be happy. To be clear—after the sixth gym badge, but before you have to buck up and learn Waterfall. I’m not perfect, but I am trying.

These are my affirmations.

I like that there’s a straw sticking out of my head. It’s whimsical and fun. I like that I can make two different facial expressions at the same time. I float in the air. That’s pretty neat. I was in a couple episodes of anime, and do you know what? I did a good job.

I have friends. I like myself. I am good in battle against the Dragon-type.

Now please stop body-shaming me for being the ice cream cone Pokémon.

Colin Heasley is a writer in New York City, and his work has appeared on Reductress, McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, and others. Follow him on Twitter.

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