We Are the Only Collaborative Workspace with a Tenacious D Listening Room, by Bizzy Coy
As a CreativLancer hustling your way through the gig economy, you know that a robust co-working ecosystem is crucial to your success. That’s why The Werkatorium is proud to announce that we’re now the only collaborative workspace in the bi-state region with a dedicated Tenacious D listening room.
Sure, you can find plenty of perks at those other office collectives. Level desks. Dry carpet. Wall-to-wall ceilings. But we’re not here to blend in with the crowd—and neither are you. That’s why we’re sunsetting our existing amenities to bring you a first-in-class next-gen value add you won’t find anywhere else: the music of rock comedy duo Jack Black and Kyle Gass, a.k.a. The D, every Werkday from 8:45 a.m. – 6:15 p.m. EST.
We know this will be a thrill to you, our coWerkers, because you literally asked for it. Four months ago, after a steady exodus of paying members, we emailed around a SurveyCheetah asking how we should solution this challenge. Your response was resounding and clear. “Tenacious D Listening Room,” 347 of you typed into the “Other” space. “Locks on the Bathroom Doors” didn’t stand a chance.
When Jeremy the IT Coordinator showed us the results, it was a disruptive bombdrop of clarity. Who knew we had such a large community devoted to JB and KG’s short-lived HBO show, their oft-maligned feature film, The Pick of Destiny, and their 2012 album, Rize of the Fenix? We thought Tenacious D was a has-been joke band for white Midwestern college bros, but the joke’s on us. You gushing-edge indiepreneurs truly are the think leaders of whatever generation we’re currently in.
Unfortunately, we have to hack the existing floorplan one teeny tiny bit to complete this paradigm shift. So, as of today, the Werkateria is no more. We’re aware the communal dining closet was important to you, as it was the only place to eat your lunch safe from Pecky, the crumb-aggressive pigeon who lives on the window ledge. We certainly intend to circle back and ideastorm how we might alleviate this hurty boo-boo point in the future.
We’ll deep dive into construction tomorrow, and we apologize in advance for any disruptions to your “go”-ductivity in the form of asbestos fumes, 25/7 hammering, and rude construction workers yelling “This is a complete waste of resources” during the onboarding kick-off huddle. But, as Jeremy reminded us this morning, “Our bodies are but mortal shells with which to absorb the sweet, creamy sounds of The Greatest Band in the World.” You always have such a positive attitude, Jeremy! Thanks again for tallying those survey results for us. Without you, none of this would be happening.
We hope everyone is as amped as we are about this opportunity to moonshot forward and become change agents in the competitive shared workspace space. We’re still not sure how the number of votes for Jables and Kage exceeded our total number of members by 106, but we’re not here to do math. We’re here on a passion-y, vision-y mission to attractize and retainify coWerkers with our bespoke business services. Whether it’s a ballpoint pen from a bank where we’re no longer welcome, a rat that steals expired vegan creamer, or the stank-dripping guitar licks of Tenacious D, The Werkatorium will stop at nothing to keep those monthly fees coming.
Please, don’t hesitate to reach out if there’s anything else you might need going forward.
Bizzy Coy is a writer. She was once chastised by Angela Lansbury and it was all downhill from there.
The Humor Section features a piece of original humor writing each week. To submit your work for consideration, send it here.