Rejuvenation Manual for Wretched Females, by Sarah Hutto

face
In the spirit of embracing nothing about being an actual woman, here is a useful list of body parts that various industries and society in general find wanting in you. Please heed the following as you address your own betterment.

Your ears. Should lay entirely flat or be removed. A good test for whether or not they should be deleted is if they are visible head-on when you wear a ponytail. (But please refrain from wearing ponytails. They are rarely well executed and many a ponytail has been the catalyst for violent political upheaval.)

Your hair. Is probably wrong in general. Please don’t have hair that might be a naturally occurring color, like brown. And don’t let your hair have visible ends. Hair should appear to be flowing into the outer reaches of time and space infinitely. While messy buns are still on trend, you may swirl it into a bottomless black hole of murky blindness that draws the eye inward toward your cerebrum cortex, which should simultaneously give the illusion of being the origin of the universe.

Your face. Regard this as a living albatross on the front of your head. It will betray and degrade you in new and inventive ways every year, in a manner that many believe should be punishable by banishment. Its tendency to disappoint those who come into contact with it warrants constant artificial conveyance of the exact right amount of daylight witnessing, nasal shadow casting, and eyelash generation. An occasional injection of bovine rectal fat can temporarily wield pleasing results. Additionally, please give off the appearance of interminable happiness.

Your freckles. Stifle your excuses about genetic melanin distribution. Freckles are a sign of weakness and dermal inferiority. Blend them into oblivion if you want to thrive in the business world or enjoy supreme reign in the afterlife.

Your dinner plate nipples. We get it. You’ve procreated. Or maybe you haven’t. It’s really nobody’s business what you’ve subjected your nipples to. Our point is that they’re about three times the size they were at your birth. Remember that topless photo of you eating ice cream outside when you were two with perfectly sized nipples? What happened? It is part of feminine duty to keep on top of and inhibit nipple increasement.

Your arm hair. Should not be there. We realize that it’s natural and you were (mistakenly) led to believe that a woman needn’t shave her arms. But one of the best kept secrets of the fashion industry and the beauty industry and the used car modeling industry is that lady arms must be porpoise-smooth to warrant professional advancement. Any husband who would willingly be embraced by downy arms is not worth having.

Your wrists. Will suffice. Be sure to adorn them with properly toned jewelry metal so as not to set off inappropriate skin tones, thereby opening the seventh seal of Hell.

Your knuckles. Are wrinkled and bendy. Please remedy.

Your obscene cuticles. Should be hidden or groomed into non-existence because visible cuticles serve as a critical flag that your nail beds are firmly rooted in the tops of your fingers. No one wants to be reminded of that while they’re watching you predict an oncoming cool front or test drive a Mini Cooper on a YouTube commercial.

Your navel. We get it. You were born. You don’t need to keep rubbing it in everyone’s face. A true test of a woman’s dedication to beauty is whether she’s taken steps to have her belly button  removed, or at the very least, permanently airbrushed. Unfortunately for those seeking true physical perfection, this operation can only legally be obtained in the middle of the Indian Ocean twenty-five miles offshore of Indonesia on a chartered cosmetic surgery cruise. If you do choose to keep your belly button, you may purchase over-the-counter navel putty to obscure it for short periods of time.

Your anus of horribleness. It is understandable that you must defecate. We are still a good ten years away from eliminating this process for women completely. But until then, it really is your duty to prevent bodily indication that such an event occurs on your person. A rigorous anal bleaching routine can be effective in removing years of evidence of shameful intestinal efficiency. You can see a licensed anal bleachist or create your own kit at home with Kabbalah-blessed peroxide and distilled Saharan rainwater.

Your ankles. What really stands out in the world of shin-down glamour are ankles that are accentuated, but not overly pointy. Just pointy enough to suggest that they could part a shallow stream, but not so pointy that they could open a package from Amazon Prime. This look can be achieved with an industrial ankle sander and by enrolling in your local Ankle Watchers chapter.

The abomination that is your feet. It almost appears as if you just walk around on your leg tips all day long. What’s that? You actually do? Well, it’s time to invest in a personal assistant to do all of your walking in absentia. That is, if you will be judged by your feet, and you will. By god, you will.

We hope you have found this article helpful and look forward to noting the progress in your transformation. This guide is printable and should be conspicuously hung in all female grooming areas and anywhere you feel you might be in danger of self contentment and acceptance.

Sarah Hutto is a comedy writer whose work has appeared on McSweeney’s, Razed, and Reductress. Follow her on Twitter to learn more about her harrowing journey toward perfect ankles.

The Humor Section features a piece of original humor writing each week. To submit your work for consideration, send it here.

From Our Partners