Thank You For Your Submission to Moe’s Southwest Grill, by Jeff Vitkun
Thank you for your submission to Moe’s Southwest Grill. Unfortunately, this piece wasn’t right for us because unlike our competitor, Chipotle, we do not publish literary materials of any kind.
While Chipotle curates short prose from renowned authors and emerging voices to print on their cups and bags, Moe’s Southwest Grill does not. We do NOT accept submissions. Nor do we solicit materials from authors. Since we don’t publish anything, it would be sort of stupid to solicit materials, right?
Due to the underwhelming volume of work we receive, we do not employ an editor, thus we are unable to provide feedback on individual work. In the future, submissions must NOT be sent by email. Or any other method. We do not accept submissions. And if we accidentally accept them, like by FEDEX, we just throw them away, and go “ugghhhh, another submission.”
For nonfiction story pitches, please write a concise explanation of your idea (less than 300 words) and send it to some other, actual publication.
Cover letters are unnecessary, as there is a certain implication they would be sent with a literary submission, which again—and I cannot emphasize this enough—we do not accept.
Additionally, authors retain all rights to their stories, because Moe’s does not publish literary materials. Ever.
Ever. Ever. Ever.
You may be wondering why we have a “firstname.lastname@example.org” email address at all. Unfortunately for writers looking to engage readers in an unexpected medium, and the IT department at Moe’s Southwest Grill, this email address was created by a disgruntled ex-employee.
At first we were like, fuck it, maybe we should do one of these writer things, too. But ultimately we think Chipotle kind of owns that space. Even though they’re dicks about it and make you buy a three dollar soda just to get 500 words about love by Toni Morrison. But that’s neither here nor there. The point is, no one can figure out how to delete the submissions@moes email address.
We do however, automatically delete all emails the address receives. So the story you sent in will not take up any space on Moe’s servers nor Moe’s cups/bags — YOU’RE UNWELCOME AT MOE’S!—Just kidding. Everyone is welcome at Moe’s Southwest Grill.
But we really do automatically delete every email. That part wasn’t a joke.
At this point, you may be wondering why we have such an elaborate rejection letter if we are not a publisher. We just figured it was the least we could do. We know that it’s super frustrating to not hear anything back from editors, because the majority of our staff are actually writers. In fact, Moe’s Southwest Grill is proud to employ a Berzon Award winner, six MFA graduates and over 16 award-winning freelance copywriters (per store).
This should tell you most of what you need to know about the current publishing landscape. There are not many jobs to be had and the few that are left are primarily copyediting positions on the in-house team at Chipotle.
But keep writing and submitting (elsewhere). You have a unique voice and it’s just a matter of time before someone publishes your work.
Actually, that’s just something nice people say. I have no way of knowing that. Again, I didn’t read what you sent in. Your email was forwarded to me in HR, because an algorithm determined that you likely need a job. So if you’re ready to put down your keyboard and pick up an oversized tortilla—Welcome to Moe’s!
The Humor Section features a piece of original humor writing each week. To submit your work for consideration, send it here.