The Underground Cartoonist’s Guide to Drawing Gigantic Sweat Drops Emerging From His Characters’ Foreheads When They Are in the Midst of Lustful Gaze [1971 Edition], by Alex Firer
Greetings, O’ Underground Cartoonist! Thank you for entering into this course! You’ve undertaken a noble profession — the art of comics free from the corporate ways, free from the fashions and styles of the superhero with its barely hidden sexual longing and children’s writing and adventures. No, you don’t write about childish things like musclemen fighting Nazis; you write about hippies wanting sex and pirates wanting sex, and occasionally gigantic babies or animal women wanting sex! But I digress.
This is Volume 8 of the guide on how to draw Underground Comics. We have previously covered “Showcasing Race Relations by Just Drawing Racist Imagery and Shouting ‘I am an Artist and I Will Not be Censored,” “Showing How Different You are from Everyone by Showing You Do Not Like the Music of the Day and Would Much Rather Listen to Something From an Era When Humans Were Property,” and “How to Draw Cats Being Horny While Jackin’ It Big and Jackin’ It Hard.” And today we will teach you how to draw gigantic sweat drops coming out of your characters’ foreheads when they see one of those sexy va-va-va-vooms the drawing of which was lessons one through four. This is a masterful undertaking, historic and solid — the nature of which has plagued cartoonists for generations.
Many dedicate their entire lives to the forming of simply such artistry — when my character Horny Harry sees Sassy Goldberg casually walking to the Women’s Lib meeting where they all spank each other while crying as Harry looks on — I do not take the artistry and creation of those sweat drops or this realistic, plugged-into-the-culture scenario lightly! Horny Harry is a key figure and will not be exploited by me and not ruined by shoddy craftsmanship.
As you might remember, Horny Harry is an avatar. An avatar for the role of the modern male in 1970s society. Horny Harry is just one of us, often down on his luck, often perverse, and always defining our society’s current ills or wants with a hearty “A Whoa! A Va-Va-Voom! Oh Aoogah!” or, if we’re feeling more subtle, he just says “Oh dem legs! Dem legs!” Horny Harry was created to change the hearts and minds of an uptight society and also I usually masturbate when I draw. If anyone mentions the animated Horny Harry movie created by those thieves and burglars at Bashki studios, I swear I will burn down this building and everyone in it.
So let’s focus on a classic Horny Harry scenario. Horny Harry is shopping at the local supermarket with his final five dollars, his mind focused on his ill luck and his trouble with the ladies when he sees a mother of two buying spaghetti sauce for her fourteen-year-old daughter. I will leave you with the decision which of these three elements bring out Horny Harry’s truly satirical horny nature the strongest.
And I judge not what decision you make — for man is beast. To judge the nature of the man by the decision of what he wants to fondle or caress is to put a cage upon society! Is our freedom not the most important thing in our society? Are we going to be like our father’s generations — stuck up and pretend we don’t want to have our way with either a fine nubile beauty or a big can of spaghetti sauce? Not I, for what counts above all than the freedom to speak, the freedom of emotion. Anyway, make your choice and let’s keep going.
Now the set up. Harry drops the shrink-wrapped pack of Oscar Mayer sausages he was buying. His knees are shaking. He’s biting his nails. He’s thinking —, “YOWZA! What a looker!” The ground has been laid, prologue made prose — and now can enter the sweat drops.
Remove your finest horse hair brush and dip it in ink with the passion of the deities flowing through you as your incredible arm swings in the form of a mighty “u,” the storm of winds, a hurricane taking you to the heavens and back as you sweep your arm with the majesty of the muses writhing in ecstasy as your arm returns downward, like a great and mighty annihilating God returning to our planet to destroy it as a vessel of Heaven’s rage at the sin that man has deemed it worthwhile to create. Then do this, like , three times.
Three sweat drops is good, right?
And that’s how you draw a sweat drop. Please join us next week when we will teach carefully how to draw a dog smoking a blunt as if you were special or something. Make sure to remember to enclose the necessary $17.99 to learn from my experienced brilliance.
Until next time, as Horny Harry would say “Gays make me very uncomfortable because I am a real man.” See you later!
Alex Firer is a writer for The Onion, The Devastator, and Paste, and blogs for Smosh like a god. His zine The Bowieverse comes out in January 2017. Alex can be found at @AlexFirer on Twitter and is a good boy with a farty butt.
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