Inventions I Plan on Pitching to Powerful Venture Capitalists, by Jeremy Glass

• Go Gravy!: A fully portable, on-the-go gravy maker that you plug into your car. Unplug and douse your turkey when you get home, or pop open the lid on the highway for a smooth, meaty pick-me-up. Note: The exclamation point at the end of “Go Gravy!” must be included on all models and branding.

• An app that automatically generates names for your Cocker Spaniel. This only works for Cocker Spaniels.

• Pipe Dreams: A plumbers-only dating app. This could also be a message board for male and female plumbers who wish to pursue their true passion.

• An app that calculates how many bones you have in your body at any given time.

• Bird Hats: Stylish baseball caps for parakeets and cockatiels.

• Dog Beer: Delicious beer for dogs!

• A moisturizer that doubles as cake frosting.

• A small digital music player that only plays the “Cantina Theme” from Star Wars.

• Kangaroom: A removable prosthetic kangaroo pouch for the on-the-go business person who doesn’t mind getting a little bit of mucus on their keys and wallet.

• An attachment that goes on the your phone which allows you to disguise your morning voice so you don’t have to lie and say you haven’t been sleeping when you clearly have.

• A guitar that makes motorcycle sounds?

• A filo dough delivery service that will deliver filo dough to your door at any time of the night, no questions asked.

• Baby Coffee: From the inventors of Dog Beer.

• A Chrome plugin that automatically changes every word on a website to “Live, Laugh, Love.”

• An almost perfectly round basketball.

• Orangu-tan: The first tanning salon run by an extremely friendly and totally docile orangutan.

• Wet Jeans: A handsome pair of jeans that will never dry, no matter how long they spend in the dryer.

Pokemon Constantly: Not too dissimilar from Pokemon GO, except this augmented reality game can never, ever be turned off. Even after you catch them all.

Jeremy Glass is a writer from New York who spends his weekends eating noodles and writing fake bios for aspiring writers on Craigslist. Here’s his Twitter.

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