Some Personal News (1806), by Jon Wolper

telegram
September 7, 1806

SOME PERSONAL NEWS STOP

I HAVE WORKED AT JOHNSONVILLE ADVERTISER FOR THREE YEARS STOP

AND COVERED ALL MANNER OF HAPPENINGS IN JOHNSONVILLE GOVERNMENT AND BEYOND STOP

BUT TODAY MARKS BEGINNING OF NEW ADVENTURE STOP

ON OCTOBER 4 I WILL START AS A NEWS-PAPER MAN AT HAPSBURG CHRONICLE-DEMOCRAT STOP

FOCUSING ON IDIOSYNCRASIES OF SMALL TOWN LIFE LIKE MYSTERY OF LADY ELLESBURG’S MISSING COW DAISY STOP

AND CONSTRUCTION OF NEW CORNER-STORE STOP

AND SCUTTLEBUTT REGARDING LATE-NIGHT VISITORS OF ABIGAIL LACEY STOP

I AWAIT YOUR CONGRATULATIONS STOP


September 10, 1806

I HAVE NOT RECEIVED RESPONSES STOP

LET ME TELL YOU MORE ABOUT HAPSBURG CHRONICLE-DEMOCRAT STOP

SUCH AS ITS COMMITMENT TO HIGH STANDARDS OF JOURNALISM STOP

WE WILL WORK ON PROJECTS SUCH AS FEATURE IN WHICH I GO TO THE COURT-HOUSE TO INTERVIEW LAW-BREAKERS STOP

AND COLUMN IN WHICH EDITORIAL BOARD DISCUSSES SLAVES THAT HAVE RUN FROM THEIR OWNERS STOP

WE CHANGED WORLD AT JOHNSONVILLE ADVERTISER BUT I AM EXCITED FOR NEW CHAPTER STOP

I WILL FOREVER CHERISH FRIEND-SHIPS I MADE LIKE HAROLD CLARK MY EDITOR WITH BOW-LEGS STOP

I LOOK FORWARD TO YOUR TELEGRAMS STOP


September 12, 1806

MY DEAR FRIEND JAMES HAYNESWORTH HAS WRITTEN AN ARTICLE STOP

IT IS REGARDING A COBBLER WHO ALSO IS A BLACKSMITH STOP

IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO READ PLEASE TRAVEL TO NEW DORSET BY HORSE-BUGGY AND ASK AROUND STOP


September 13, 1806

I HAVE UNCOVERED A SCOOP-LET STOP

SABRINA BUTLER THE PRIMARY SCHOOL TEACHER IS LUTHERAN STOP

THAT IS ALL FOR THE MOMENT STOP


September 14, 1806

JOHN QUINCY ADAMS IS A VILE PIMP STOP


September 18, 1806

IF YOU ENJOY MY TELEGRAMS PLEASE COPY THEM TO ACQUAINTANCES STOP

MANY NEWS-PAPER MEN WOULD BE EXCITED TO HEAR MY JOURNALISTIC PURSUITS STOP

IF YOU WOULD LIKE KNOWLEDGE OF THE NEWS-PAPER BUSINESS PLEASE SEND MESSAGE BY PRIVATE COURIER STOP

MY FIRST STORY WILL FOLLOW HARRISON SMITH A POOR FARMER YOU WILL NOT BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENS NEXT STOP

PLEASE PARDON THE GRAMSTORM STOP


October 4, 1806

I AM AT NEW JOB STOP

I AM SENDING THIS GRAM FROM JACKSON CITY STOP

HERE THE PEOPLE ARE GRIMY AND THE COAL MINES BELCH SMOKE THROUGH THE DAY STOP

THE MAN AT THE GENERAL STORE HAS SEEN MY GRAMS STOP

HE TOLD ME I SHOULD STICK TO DAY JOB STOP

I WILL BE HAPPY TO STICK TO SOMETHING THAT PROVIDES ME CURRENCY STOP

IT IS FUNNY STOP

HA HA STOP

THE CHILDREN NOW STRING TOGETHER INTERJECTIONS TO REPRESENT LAUGHTER STOP

HA HA HA SEE STOP

THIS HAS BEEN DISPATCH FROM JACKSON CITY THE HOME OF THE DISGUSTING MINERS STOP

IT IS THE FIRST DAY OF REST OF MY LIFE STOP


Jon Wolper is a writer and journalist living in Washington, D.C. His writing has appeared on McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, 
GQ.com, and several dusty corners of the internet. He tweets here.

The Humor Section features a piece of original humor writing each week. To submit your work for consideration, send it here.

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